The Nuts

It’s been quite a funny day today. It started with a letter from Doreen that I’m going to quote rather than describe…

“Dear folks…[the] rent…to be paid immediately [thrice underlined] on receipt of this letter. Please make sure your rent is paid to me, or your departure date could be brought forward. If no rent is received by the week-end I will be making arrangements to have flat closed”.

Holy shit, my flat’s going to get ‘closed’!

Well, I phoned her up and focused the elite ‘negotiation’ skills that only a Jobseeker has. Like, what do you mean by ‘closed’? Changing the locks? Because you’ll lock us in not out. Etc. So I bought us some time and we’re not shelling out a penny more than we owe which is about as good a deal as we’ll get.

Doreen 0 Nut 1

(Nut is what it says on our buzzer. A drunk Rob Churm wrote it on his way out the door after a particularly intense session long before he moved into the flat. Doreen used to address her ‘where’s this month’s rent’ letters to ‘The Nuts’. (Obviously when it gets down to the wire she resorts to ‘folks’. Much tougher). And the man who answers the phone when I order a curry because I’m too hung-over always says ‘Ah, Mr. Nut…’).

Also checked my email and was pleased to see that the incessant offers of Viagra and the like are being replaced by ones for Valium and Xanax. At last, something that actually I could do with.