Stop It

New Year was good. The usual sort of things happened. I decided toy with the idea of dabbling in the concept of resolving to give up smoking. I lasted a paltry two days which was slightly depressing. It’s quite a complicated thing is a nicotine habit. Surely due in no small part to its extremely addictive nature.

The first day was easy because I said to myself “No smoking today”. And smoke I did not.

The second day was more difficult because of two predictable factors: The slight adjustment to my daily routine in terms of it being punctuated with cigarettes. And of course the physical fact that the levels of nicotine in my system had crashed for the first time since the last time I decided to quit. Sort of a like ‘black Thursday‘ of the soul.

And so by the third day, my head felt like a lettuce, I had hardly slept (this is something I am particularly sensitive to- I only need about 6 or 7 hours sleep a night, but I need it- having said that, I clearly need nicotine more) and my temper was getting shorter by the minute.

It pointless trying to describe how bad it is. Anyone who has smoked for a while and tried to stop will know. And so I cracked, took the easy way out etc. So I am still smoking. It’s just that I feel worse about it now, and that doesn’t make the tobacco taste any better.

It’s not the cost or the health risks that bother me, although these are fairly important factors in the whole equation. Much more terrifying that that is the idea that it might be more or less impossible to stop. This is of course not true, I can and I will; but I am a bit of a perfectionist in some ways and the thought that my force of will is pushed to its limit by something as mundane as smoking cigarettes is one that strikes fear into my very heart. I still refuse to accept that I can’t quit through simply deciding to stop and then just stopping. So I’m going to take some time to do a bit of mental reprogramming, focus my power of will and quit for good.

In all honesty, it is quite a daunting prospect. A bit like having a staring contest with yourself, with the added incentive that if you blink first you might die of cancer. And if you win, you spend the rest of your life wishing that smoking cigarettes was cheap and good for your health as well as cool.

Anyway, this wasn’t supposed to be a smoking rant. It was supposed to be about new year, which is itself only indirectly about smoking and drinking.