Smashed

Okay, here’s something that happened quite recently.

I was out on a Christmas drinking session the other night. Drank until I could barely stand and then as usual my homing device kicked in. Normally what happens is that no matter how drunk I am and how unlikely the prospects are, I somehow manage to successfully navigate myself home from any part of the city under my own steam.

And that’s what kind of happened this time, apart from the fact that the usual sort of mystery minor injuries weren’t as minor as they usually are. I turned up on my doorstep with a possibly broken nose and that bit of skin you have under your chin hanging down in a big weird flap.

Woke my girl up and when she opened the door and saw me she went into a funny sort of state of shock and started to faint. My whole face, shirt, jacket and jeans were drenched in blood. No joke. Soaked. I’m incoherent with no idea what had happened and my girl’s on the floor with her head between her legs doing some crazy breathing exercises to try and not pass out.

In the end she got me to casualty though and they sorted me out… six stitches in the chin, one taped up nose. And a bit of a hangover.

The only downside is that my girl refused to take a photo because she was so utterly freaked out by the way I looked. And I was too fried to be capable. My memory of the night is obviously pretty patchy but I’ve got a clear image of my face from catching myself in the mirror at home and through my drunken stupor thinking, Holy Fuck this is serious. I did however get an after-the-fact photo of my new iPhone that I used to try and phone home. Bear in mind that it took about 5 seconds for the phone to go from brand new to looking like this before I thought, okay this isn’t going to work, Plan B- just keep walking.