Glasgow is supposed to be the coolest city in Britain according to some recent survey or other. I’m sure the results are flawed though. Half of the people surveyed probably thought that the coolness was the kind measured in fahrenheit and the other half were probably mental health outpatients.

That’s not to say that Glasgow isn’t cool. I think it’s cool. I think it’s cool like the inside of a fridge- cold and dark - and I think that it can be quite coool maaan sometimes too.

Some of the locals attempt to address the issue of climatic coolness by trying to pretend that Glasgow is actually really really sunny. They do this by spraying themselves orange on a regular basis. (Which unfortunately and not unironically has a direct and inversely proportional effect on their Fonzie-from-Happy-Days coolness). One such establishment for the oranging of the masses is the hip and cosmopolitan Miami Beach Club. (Yes that is barbed wire).