Seeing Bret Easton Ellis last night was really good. He was very witty and charming and he talked about how he had reached breaking point with reading out the same section of his new book again and again and again (his publishers made him do it he said). So he read out some other parts of his new book, for the first time apparently, and it all sounded like good funny dark material. And then he was interviewed, if you can call it that, before answering a range of questions ranging from the slightly dull to the idiotic. By the time I met him and got my book signed, it was the culmination of a somewhat non-linear series of events. Most of which took place inside my head.

When I bought the tickets to see him it had kind of been at the last minute. After buying them I went back into the shop again and almost bought a copy of the book to read before I saw him. But then I thought I might as well go and see him and just let it all be new. So then I hovered for a bit and almost bought a copy of American Psycho. I stood there staring at all the copies completely unable to decide whether or not to buy one. I was in a kind of mental knot.

I first read American Psycho when I was at school. It obviously wasn’t part of the curriculum, but that’s where I first remember reading it; I must have been about sixteen. Well, it really turned my head inside out. I’m talking stylistically here. The graphic description of women being dismembered was obviously brutal, but that’s… well, that just is what it is. It was the whole flat affect style that really blew my mind. And any book that can start with Abandon hope all ye who enter here... and end on THIS IS NOT AN EXIT is operating in an interesting zone. And to that I take off my hat. (Apologies to the anyone who hasn’t read it yet- all three of you, as they say).

For me, it was exactly the right book at exactly the right time in my life. I was (and still am) sixteen years old and here was a book darker and more nihilistic than Aleister Crowley on downers. Yet when you actually read it you found out that while that was ostensibly true, it was also an acerbic and witty satire. It really was the real deal.

I never actually owned a copy of the book though. Which is pretty strange. I don’t quite know why this is. When I say it’s strange, that’s only because I’ve kind of got a funny thing about books which is a whole other matter. But anyway. I never owned a copy of the book. Until a few years later when I was briefly at University… I was with a girl (briefly) and she had a copy of the book and I borrowed it and I never saw her again and so I had a copy of American Psycho. On the title page in small neat letters in black biro it said:

To Jo -
Merry Xmas 91
Mum and Dad
x

Basically, circumstance had granted me the perfect copy of one of my favourite books. And that was the copy that I had for years. (In fact, it was only recently during one of my audits that I got rid of it).

So here I was, stood in Borders, staring at paperback copies of American Psycho. I was pleased to see that the cover hasn’t changed. But I just couldn’t buy one. I don’t know exactly why. It was something to do with the attachment of the book to my past but I stood there looking at all the wee American Psychos lined up neatly on Borders’ shelf staring back at me and I just couldn’t bring myself to take one home.

Okay, fast forward. I’ve just watched/listened to Bret Easton Ellis do his thing. I’ve got a copy of his new book Lunar Park tucked under my arm, I’m queueing up to meet him and get it signed and suddenly it hits me. What the fuck am I doing stood here with a copy of Lunar Park under my arm? Have I lost my mind? I should be only minutes away from getting the man himself to sign a copy of American Psycho. American Psycho! I began to get a weird wave of anxiety. Then I noticed that the girl in front of me was holding a copy. I tapped her on the shoulder and said excuse me and explained as best I could without her thinking I’m a complete nut, that I had to have a copy of that book and I would swap her copy for a nice shiny brand new copy of his latest novel Lunar Park which I had purchased only ten minutes previously. She looked confused. So I began to persuade her and she said weeell, the only thing is that this has got my name inside it. She opened it up and sure enough there was her name written across the first page in pink pen. I explained that that was fine because my copy had had a girls name in it and that was not only okay but also strangely appropriate. She was just about to part with it when she said, oh wait actually, they’ve got copies up at the desk, I’ll keep your place in the queue if you like. I was off like a shot.

I got to the desk and told them that although I had just bought a copy of Lunar Park something had gone wrong in my mind and please could I change it for a copy of American Psycho. Okay, said the lady who looked like she was sucking a lemon at gunpoint. Oh I’m sorry we’ve run out. Whaat, completely? There must be one somewhere. No sorry.

So I took my place in the queue again. I told the girl with the pink name she should keep her copy. I was not in a good mood. The queue got shorter. My mood got worse. What was I doing? With about three people to go in front of me I though to myself, okay, I’m going to fix this situation. The guy in front of me got a photo taken with Bret, got his copy signed and went away… and then I met the man himself. It went like this…

Me: Hi Bret.

Bret: Hi.

Me: You got red-eye in that photo.

Bret: What? I’ve got red eyes?

Me: No, in the photo.

Bret: Right.

Bret takes my book and starts to write in it.

Me: Bret, can I ask you something?

Bret: Sure, what is it?

Me: You’re going to hate this…

Bret: I’m not going to hate it.

Me: Well okay. You see, American Psycho’s sort of been an important book for me but for a few reasons I’ve never actually owned a copy.

Bret: Yeah.

Me: Well, I was wondering if you could maybe score out the title of this book and write American Psycho.

Bret suddenly comes to life

Bret: Alright, of course!

He starts scoring out the title

Bret: Actually, you know what, I’m going to write right over this, is that alright?

He’s grinning and getting into it

Me: Of course, go for it.

He gets a big magic marker and starts writing American Psycho all over the Lunar Park title

Me: Great! That’s much better than a real copy.

Bret : [laughs] Yeah, I think it is.

He hands me the book.

Me: Thanks, I really appreciate that.

Bret:[smiling] It’s nice to meet you Gregor. [shakes my hand]

How good is that? Mission accomplished.