It’s been a relatively uneventful week. Plus, I’m still easing myself back into posting crap on the internet. Speaking of which…

The cat was charging around the flat early this morning while Trish and I were still in bed. Which isn’t in itself unusual- there was just something about the way he was doing it that was. He was sort of scuttling across the floor in a weird agitated way like some unseen force had threatened him into dancing. He looked quite annoyed but he sure was busting some moves.

At first I thought he was just being weird in that way that sometimes cats can just act really weird for no apparent reason. Like the way they’ll sometimes spontaneously arch their back and launch a sort of ad-hoc hopping attack at a forty-five degree angle with an inane look of surprise in their eyes.

But it wasn’t anything like that. Oh no. What it actually was was that he had a crap stuck in his arse. And he clearly wasn’t amused. (Who would be?) Actually, it was about half a crap which even by a cat’s reckoning is half a crap too much to have poking out of your arsehole first thing in the morning.

So he kept doing his freaky dance until it snapped off and dropped onto the floor. Then with a confused look he just acted like nothing had happened and got on with his morning routine. At least I know what to do now should the situation arise.

And so tomorrow I’m off on holiday. I’m going to Spain with my mum and dad and Trish. Which will be the first holiday sort of holiday (where the main purpose is to do anything/nothing) I’ve been on for a long time. So that’s good. And despite a recent run of good weather in Glasgow it was pretty dreary today which is a plus in that selfish going-on-holiday way of thinking. I took the opportunity to visit a local car boot sale where I managed to pick up a rather stylish Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles beach towel. It might not be big enough but I’m thinking so what it would make a pretty good cape.

Anyway, we fly tomorrow and we’re there for a week. Hilarity may well ensue in some form or another so hopefully I’ll be able to post some stuff.

Say you own a wig shop. And you’ve got to come up with a catchy name for your new phoney-hair based venture. The thing is, it’s not a clown wig shop in which case you could get away with something ‘crazy’ like the Big Top Wig Shop. It’s a real wig shop for people who don’t enjoy being as bald as they currently are. It’s a tricky one alright. After a few brainstorming sessions you draw a blank and decide to go with the first thing you thought of…

It had to happen sooner or later I suppose. Quids, the shop (where everything does indeed cost one quid) next to the bus stop where I got the Decorative Garden Wasp from has shut down. Can’t think why.

But not before I managed to complete the collection with the Decorative Garden Ant…

The cat is only in the photo for the purposes of scale. He cost twenty quid.

I was upstairs in McDonalds the other day enjoying the view and a tasty McPoison burger when I noticed something on the window. I couldn’t figure out what it was for a moment but then I realised and a song spontaneously started up in my head in that way that only the songs you truly hate can. It was that tune by purveyors of offensively inoffensive cack Travis.

“...Hey, wow look at you now,
Flowers in Gherkins on the window,
It’s such a lovely day...”

Somehow or other dogs managed to stray from the path set before them by evolution. They probably smelled a shit in the bushes, who knows. Wolves are these intelligent, dynamic, highly tuned creatures that somehow morphed into dogs.

Dogs, goons of nature.

This picture is a bit like those Where’s Wally? children’s books that I never owned…

Somewhere in this picture is a dog taking a shit. Can you find him?

There he is! The dirty bastard.