Glasgow buses are so bad it’s not funny anymore. Anyone who has ever set foot on a bus in this city more than once probably knows what I mean. All of the usual complaints apply… they’re always late, the fares keep going up, sometimes they crash… yet somehow the buses in Glasgow manage to bring something new to the table.

The drivers all seem to suffer from post-lobotomy mental defects with personalities ranging from absent to psychotic. The actual buses themselves often smell of puke and/or piss. And you always get a strange feeling like you’re taking a slightly wild gamble when you go up the stairs on a double decker. And that’s because you are. Which is what I do on a daily basis.

There’s about an eighty per cent chance there’s going to be someone pretty obnoxious up there waiting for you. After that it’s about fifty/fifty whether or not they might be openly offensive in some way, with about a thirty per cent chance of aggression or hostility and I’d say about a ten per cent chance of them apparently being dangerous. That is, having the countenance of a lunatic. An actual real lunatic. Those are pretty bad odds.

Then sometimes the bus will get to a certain stop and without any warning not go any further. The driver will just stand up and say that’s it, end of the line. And so you have to get off and wait for another bus. But the thing is, sometimes the drivers don’t even bother telling you. They just go away and leave everyone sitting there like idiots until it becomes obvious that they’re not coming back.

Here are three unusual things that (I swear to you) have happened to me on buses:

1. A driver actually jumped out of his cab, stood nose to nose with me on the pavement and threatened me with violence. I had suggested that he might be on drugs which it seems he probably was.

2. The bus stopped and I heard the driver shouting from downstairs. I went downstairs and realised that I was the only person on the bus. I assumed that the bus was doing the thing where you suddenly get chucked off but the driver said no and asked me to wait where I was. He then disappeared for about ten minutes, leaving me on the bus on my own with the door open and the engine running. Then he reappeared and told me that he was going on holiday first thing the next day and that was his only chance to change some money.

3. I jumped off at my stop and the door closed on me. As in, it shut exactly half of me- one arm, one leg, one ear, one bollock- on the bus, and the other half on the pavement (which incidentally and inconveniently enough, is a good two feet lower than the bus). It didn’t hurt or anything but let’s just say that I wouldn’t do it to show off in front of a girl. So I stood there like a dick for a full twenty seconds or so (which I found out is a long time when trapped in a bus door) before it finally opened very very slowly and the driver said (and I swear that these were his exact words) -It’s just started doing that. (It still pisses me off, even now, that I was so shocked I just stood there and watched the bus drive away and couldn’t even say anything).

Well hello again. Here we are… yet another new look BS. But this one is the best yet. I think anyway. As always it took a bit longer than expected… I expected it to take a weekend… it took four weeks. I should have seen that coming. The crazy thing is that the actual design was done in an evening- I could have had the site up and running, looking like it does right now with virtually no downtime at all. But looks aren’t everything, as they say. And so it’s all the other tiny fiddly wee things that you can’t really see that take up all the time. Plus, I’m a perfectionist. Equals disaster.

But anyway. Here it is now. The design is kind of a reference to ‘70s pulp science fiction and things like that. So yeah okay, new Burning Salad- what’s so good about that? Well, here’s the guided tour…

All of the widgets have been tweaked and fixed… the Dream Generator, the thing that pulls random images from the web and the random web browser. How exciting.

And I’ve created a couple of brand new ones too.

The SFXinator generates random text-based sound effects. I can hear Roy Lichtenstein turning in his grave already.

Bleak Strategies is basically a version of Brian Eno‘s Oblique Strategies. Although, it’s going to evolve beyond that into the idea I’ve got in my head.

I’ve also uploaded a couple of video games I’ve made in the past: Penguin Attack and Catsteroids. Oh, and speaking of video games, all of the online games in the arcade should be working properly again. That is, saving high scores. All of which have been reset. Yes, reset.  And I’m thinking it might be a good idea to reset them every couple of weeks or so.

Emm… what else? Oh yes the webcam is running in real time now. None of that 10 second refresh crap. So now you can watch absolutely nothing happening in my hallway, safe in the knowledge that absolutely nothing is happening at that exact moment in time, not ten seconds ago. Woo.

I’ve also set up a nice new RSS feed for the site. Which isn’t working perfectly yet but will be as soon as I’ve finished writing this and started fixing it. And I’m also considering adding a wiki and maybe even forums to the site. Who knows.

And that’s probably the most exciting stuff that’s changed. Doesn’t sound like much, but there you go.

And then I need to update the gallery with the new drawings and paintings I’ve been making. I’ve been struggling with them for a while now but I’m starting to think that they’re actually getting somewhere. Which is good, or thereabouts.

This entry is actually backdated. The site was closed and I was updating it on this day, my birthday. But this is not a belated birthday announcement. Well, not really. It’s really just to mention that I recently discovered that I share a birthday with both Alexander Trocchi and Clive Sinclair. Two people I happen to think are pretty cool. Result!

It’s been a relatively uneventful week. Plus, I’m still easing myself back into posting crap on the internet. Speaking of which…

The cat was charging around the flat early this morning while Trish and I were still in bed. Which isn’t in itself unusual- there was just something about the way he was doing it that was. He was sort of scuttling across the floor in a weird agitated way like some unseen force had threatened him into dancing. He looked quite annoyed but he sure was busting some moves.

At first I thought he was just being weird in that way that sometimes cats can just act really weird for no apparent reason. Like the way they’ll sometimes spontaneously arch their back and launch a sort of ad-hoc hopping attack at a forty-five degree angle with an inane look of surprise in their eyes.

But it wasn’t anything like that. Oh no. What it actually was was that he had a crap stuck in his arse. And he clearly wasn’t amused. (Who would be?) Actually, it was about half a crap which even by a cat’s reckoning is half a crap too much to have poking out of your arsehole first thing in the morning.

So he kept doing his freaky dance until it snapped off and dropped onto the floor. Then with a confused look he just acted like nothing had happened and got on with his morning routine. At least I know what to do now should the situation arise.

And so tomorrow I’m off on holiday. I’m going to Spain with my mum and dad and Trish. Which will be the first holiday sort of holiday (where the main purpose is to do anything/nothing) I’ve been on for a long time. So that’s good. And despite a recent run of good weather in Glasgow it was pretty dreary today which is a plus in that selfish going-on-holiday way of thinking. I took the opportunity to visit a local car boot sale where I managed to pick up a rather stylish Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles beach towel. It might not be big enough but I’m thinking so what it would make a pretty good cape.

Anyway, we fly tomorrow and we’re there for a week. Hilarity may well ensue in some form or another so hopefully I’ll be able to post some stuff.

Say you own a wig shop. And you’ve got to come up with a catchy name for your new phoney-hair based venture. The thing is, it’s not a clown wig shop in which case you could get away with something ‘crazy’ like the Big Top Wig Shop. It’s a real wig shop for people who don’t enjoy being as bald as they currently are. It’s a tricky one alright. After a few brainstorming sessions you draw a blank and decide to go with the first thing you thought of…

It had to happen sooner or later I suppose. Quids, the shop (where everything does indeed cost one quid) next to the bus stop where I got the Decorative Garden Wasp from has shut down. Can’t think why.

But not before I managed to complete the collection with the Decorative Garden Ant…

The cat is only in the photo for the purposes of scale. He cost twenty quid.

I was upstairs in McDonalds the other day enjoying the view and a tasty McPoison burger when I noticed something on the window. I couldn’t figure out what it was for a moment but then I realised and a song spontaneously started up in my head in that way that only the songs you truly hate can. It was that tune by purveyors of offensively inoffensive cack Travis.

“...Hey, wow look at you now,
Flowers in Gherkins on the window,
It’s such a lovely day...”

Somehow or other dogs managed to stray from the path set before them by evolution. They probably smelled a shit in the bushes, who knows. Wolves are these intelligent, dynamic, highly tuned creatures that somehow morphed into dogs.

Dogs, goons of nature.

This picture is a bit like those Where’s Wally? children’s books that I never owned…

Somewhere in this picture is a dog taking a shit. Can you find him?

There he is! The dirty bastard.

Glasgow is supposed to be the coolest city in Britain according to some recent survey or other. I’m sure the results are flawed though. Half of the people surveyed probably thought that the coolness was the kind measured in fahrenheit and the other half were probably mental health outpatients.

That’s not to say that Glasgow isn’t cool. I think it’s cool. I think it’s cool like the inside of a fridge- cold and dark - and I think that it can be quite coool maaan sometimes too.

Some of the locals attempt to address the issue of climatic coolness by trying to pretend that Glasgow is actually really really sunny. They do this by spraying themselves orange on a regular basis. (Which unfortunately and not unironically has a direct and inversely proportional effect on their Fonzie-from-Happy-Days coolness). One such establishment for the oranging of the masses is the hip and cosmopolitan Miami Beach Club. (Yes that is barbed wire).

I was coming home drunk one night when I came across a big pile of bananas in the street. But I didn’t get a very good photograph because it was dark and I was wrecked and too busy being drunkenly amazed by the banana-based absurdity to get a good picture.