Printer Is Ignoring Your Request- Maybe Even Shitting On Document

Another long pause since my last post. And with good reason- I’ve been getting geared up for the solo project I’m doing in Transmission a week on Saturday.

On Sunday I went through to Edinburgh to see Shellac Of North America. I’ve been waiting ten years to get the chance to see them, which is quite a long time. It was a great gig and I look forward to seeing how they will have developed when I see them again in 2016.

If only the The Melvins toured the UK on such a regular basis, my life would be complete.

Today I was sorting out the poster for the show and so I had occasion to connect my computer to a printer and ask it to print. I should have known better. Oh, how I hate printers. Oh how I fucking hate printers.

I know my way around a computer pretty well inside and out but it still remains a complete mystery to me why, in 2004, asking a printer to print something is such a chaotic and random process. It’s not like asking an oven to print something or asking a television to download a donut.

Printers are the square wheel of the technological revolution. They are the technological equivalent of autistic and so everything they do (or completely fail to do) is mediated by the computer…

Hypothetical Conversation With A Printer

Man: Could you print this document please?

Printer: Yes.

Man: Okay then, off you go.

Printer: What is it?

Man: What is what?

Printer: The document?

Man: Um… it’s just words.

Printer: What kind?

Man: Em… English.

Printer: What type?

Man: What? Oh, I see it’s a Word document.

Printer: Right.

Man: Right what?

Printer: Right, I’ll print it then.

Man: Okay then, on you go.

Printer: bzzt

Printer: [suddenly produces a massive array of increasingly intricate and detailed options]

Man: Well, it’s only a three line haiku. Yes I’m sure that’s all fine. [click]

Printer: Can’t do that.

Man: Can’t do what? What seems to be the problem?

Printer: Can’t do that.

Man: Oh okay then. [spends ten minutes finding and altering incorrect printer settings]

Printer: bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzt bzzzzzzzzzzzzt bzzzzzzt bzzzT

[very long pause]*

Man: Fucking hell, what’s going on?

[short pause]

Printer: bzzzt [snatches paper violently] bzzzt bzzzt bzzzt bzzzt

Man: Well, it would be okay but I didn’t really want all the text crushed into the top left hand corner like that.

Printer: …

Man: [adjusts settings]

Printer: bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzt

Man: Wait! I haven’t…

Printer: bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrt

zzzt zzzt zzzt zzzt

Man: Well, it wasn’t supposed to be all against the edge like that. Or sideways.

Printer: [light flashes then stops]

Man: What was that for?

Printer: …

Man: Okay. [takes deep breath] [gets settings to all intents and purposes exact and perfect] [click]

Printer: bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzt krrrrrrrrrrcccccccchhht

zzzt zzzt zzzt

krrrrrrrrrrcccccccchhht

Man: Aw fuckin shit. It’s fine apart from the full length ink skidmarks.

Printer: Print queue stopped.

Man: Whaat? What are you talking about.

Printer: …

Man: [click]

Printer: …

[epic pause]

Man: ? [click]

[no response whatsoever]

Computer: Printer is busy.

Man: Busy? It’s not printing anything!

Computer: Yes it is.

Printer: —

*It’s not the length of the pause that hastens the onset of madness. It’s simply not knowing how long the pause will last. Or indeed, whether or not it is actually a bona fide pause- a pause being a gap between two things. There is never any identifiable evidence to indicate whether or not the last thing the printer did may actually be the last thing it will ever do.

All printers should be destroyed. If no one else is up to the task I’ll do it personally.