Harry Potter Kiss My Arse

The new Harry Potter novel was released 3 minutes ago. If you have managed to get your hands on a copy please feel free to piss off and read it, and don’t come back. I hate Harry Potter. Everyone is always going on about how bloody great it is… give me a fucking break. I haven’t read any of the books or seen any of the films and I am never, ever going to. The closest I have ever come is right now when J.K. Rowling is live on TV as I write this, reading from her latest asinine creation. And I am not listening- it’s on in the background so I can gather my ire to write this post.

I don’t have anything against the whole fantasy schtick. Quite the opposite. I sometimes wonder that if it weren’t for Mad Dog 20/20, cheap hashish and girls I might still be losing sleep over X-Men storylines*. In short- I’ve been there, done that, got the limited edition t-shirt and queued up to get it signed. I can safely come out of the closet because, over the last few years, the pop culture police have calculated that geek = cool. Whatever.

The whole Harry Potter hysteria just completely bends my head out of shape. That’s what it is people- hysteria. You’re hysterical. It’s third rate tat wrapped up in a marketing ploy and hawked to idiots by marketing execs. Pure snake oil. And no, I haven’t read it. And yes, I still know what I’m talking about. When I go to the grave without ever having read a single line or watched a single frame and I will have died happy.

Gregor Wright vs Harry Potter

1. It’s really great because it’s a children’s book that adults can really appreciate.

ALL good “children’s stuff” should be like that. Go and watch The Simpsons or read Akira.

2. But the stories are really engaging and surprisingly complex.

So what. (See above). I’d rather be locked in a room, spiked with PCP and have The Famous Five narrated backwards through a megaphone by an angry dalek than read so much as the preface.

3. Harry is a good role model for children.

Really. Remind them of that when they their main interest in magic is magic mushrooms.

4. But it’s really great that children are so excited about a series of books rather than a Playstation game.

No it’s not. Get them to play Final Fantasy VII.

4. Well, it’s good for kids’ literacy.

So is Alphabetti Spaghetti and a good thesaurus.

To add insult to injury, a recent Harry Potter factoid I was recently subjected to, informed me that his birthday is on the 31st of July. That’s the day after mine. (Yes I’m going to be thirty next week). Well, if I went to Hogwarts I would have studied the dark arts with the sole intention of corrupting the wee shite…

… But I didn’t, so I’m just going to go down to Borders tomorrow and tear out the last page of every copy of Harry Potter And The Crock Of Shit.

*The irony of staying in on a Friday night and writing about this on the web is not lost.