Something Sinister Happened In A Church Because A Piano Spoke To You
Just updated the website with everything I’ve been working on. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you…The Dream Generator.
Aug 9, 2003 at 17:34 Filed Under: Blog Comment
Cricket Takes Ages
I’ve spent the last few days in an ill lit room in front of a computer. I’ve been writing a program and just finished it about ten minutes ago. It took two days, if the hours between 6pm and 4am count as a day. But now it’s up to a decent enough level to unleash on the unsuspecting internet. All will be revealed tomorrow.
Despite the beneficial and life giving properties of a cathode ray monitor I decided to opt for some sunlight over the past few days because there’s been quite a lot of it around. I played bowls with Rob and was astonished to find that he is some kind of bowls maestro. When everyone else was squandering their youth in pool halls and playing poker he, it seems, was hustling the elderly down the local bowling green.
Not content with being beaten at an old man’s game, today I decided to try my hand at cricket in the park again. The highlight of the game came quite early on (ie. within the first hour or two). I stepped up to bowl, although my ‘technique’ more closely resembles throwing a ball away, and gave it my best shot. And so did Scott Myles. He was batting, and bat he did. He hit it fast and high into a tree just slightly out of the park. The ball hadn’t gone far away, just mostly up. Then it came down. On top of a car. Which wasn’t too bad (sometimes these things happen). Then a piece of a branch came down. On top of the car. Which was bad, especially because an old lady on crutches with two small dogs (small enough to be killed by a falling branch) was getting into the car. Luckily the car was undamaged apart from two dents on the roof that you could only see if you were examining the car for branch dents.
Then the game went on and on and on. At first I tried to get into some sledging. This is cricket speak for ‘winding up your opponent in order to break his concentration’. I didn’t get very far. I called Alan Michael a shit when he was batting and then gave up. Apparently cricket doesn’t actually revolve around sledging. So the game continued and I got the ball to hit the bat now and then while everyone else was battering sunbather killing shots at high speed. And then the game went on and on and on. Then it stopped.
In the end everyone had scores like 112 or 80 or something. Duncan and I were playing together and our score had gone positive and then negative (my doing) and then positive again. And then to 9 for most of the game. In fact, the only significant thing about our score was that when it first went to 9 I said to Duncan that it would go straight from 9 to 23 then on my last turn to bowl I made a catch and took a wicket (both for the first time). And our score ended on 23. Which kind of made the game for me.
Aug 9, 2003 at 2:41 Filed Under: Blog Comment
The Nuts
It’s been quite a funny day today. It started with a letter from Doreen that I’m going to quote rather than describe…
“Dear folks…[the] rent…to be paid immediately [thrice underlined] on receipt of this letter. Please make sure your rent is paid to me, or your departure date could be brought forward. If no rent is received by the week-end I will be making arrangements to have flat closed”.
Holy shit, my flat’s going to get ‘closed’!
Well, I phoned her up and focused the elite ‘negotiation’ skills that only a Jobseeker has. Like, what do you mean by ‘closed’? Changing the locks? Because you’ll lock us in not out. Etc. So I bought us some time and we’re not shelling out a penny more than we owe which is about as good a deal as we’ll get.
Doreen 0 Nut 1
(Nut is what it says on our buzzer. A drunk Rob Churm wrote it on his way out the door after a particularly intense session long before he moved into the flat. Doreen used to address her ‘where’s this month’s rent’ letters to ‘The Nuts’. (Obviously when it gets down to the wire she resorts to ‘folks’. Much tougher). And the man who answers the phone when I order a curry because I’m too hung-over always says ‘Ah, Mr. Nut…’).
Also checked my email and was pleased to see that the incessant offers of Viagra and the like are being replaced by ones for Valium and Xanax. At last, something that actually I could do with.
Aug 5, 2003 at 22:30 Filed Under: Blog Comment
The Cheese Plant Vanishes
I’m in the gallery eating a bacon cheeseburger I left here on Saturday and it tastes damn fine. Just finished making an advert for some magazine or other. It says Transmission in fuzzy letters with a picture of the surface of Venus and a big scribbly line that look like a hair stuck on a lens.
When I was leaving my flat this morning the old lady from upstairs walked down the stairs with me smiling and being enthusiastic about the weather. Usually she ignores me or hassles me at any opportunity, usually about the bins out the back. As if I’m some sort of resident bin man or something. Maybe she thought I was going out and tearing open bin bags, throwing rubbish everywhere and stuff like that. She’s certainly pretty neurotic about the bins (sometimes you see her going out and opening up the wheely-bin lids and counting the bags) and I’ve got one of those faces that old ladies don’t necessarily trust straight away. But now she seems to like me. I think her revised opinion of me is based on a conversation that took place a few days ago. It went something like this… (remember, this isn’t the mad woman from downstairs, this is the crazy old lady from upstairs)…
*doorbell rings*
I open door
Me: Hello.
Crazy Old Lady: Can I ask you a question?
Me: Certainly.
Crazy Old Lady: Where did that go? [gestures towards upstairs landing]
Me: What? Sorry…
Crazy Old Lady: Where did it go? [points at cheeseplant on landing]
Me: The cheeseplant? I don’t know. It’s still there.
Crazy Old Lady: Did you know that it disappeared? It was there the other day and then yesterday morning when I got up it was gone. I told Sam [mostly sane old man who lives on the top floor] but then yesterday morning it was back. Where do you think it went?
Me: [failing to suppress laughter] I don’t know. I didn’t take the cheeseplant.
Crazy Old Lady: Yes, well I thought I was going mad. I phoned a friend and she doesn’t know where it went. I can’t work out what happened but I’ve got a theory. What do you think happened? You see the pot’s been cracked.
Me: [still laughing] Well, do you really want to know what I think happened?
Crazy Old Lady: Yes. You see I’ve got a theory.
Me: Well, there are some young people up the stairs. And I think they must have come home drunk and taken the plant into their flat. Then in the morning when they woke up and realised what they had done, they must have taken the plant and put it back out on the landing.
Crazy Old Lady: [eyes light up] Oh yes, you know you’re right. That must have been what happened. I don’t mind a drunken prank you see but I was confused. I had a theory you see. You’re right, that’s what happened.
Me: Yes. I’m almost certain that’s what will have happened. You shouldn’t get too worried about it.
Crazy Old Lady: Yes, yes… thank you very much.
Me: Okay then, bye.
Crazy Old Lady: Thank you very much. Goodbye.
*I close front door laughing*
And now she thinks I’m okay because she had hatched some terrifying theory that I managed to put into perspective. I’ve got a theory about what her theory was.
Aug 4, 2003 at 17:35 Filed Under: Blog Comment
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Just got ‘defenestrated spastics’. It’s probably time to stop.
Aug 4, 2003 at 0:47 Filed Under: Blog Comment
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Just successfully googlewhacked ‘cornucopian nits’.
Aug 4, 2003 at 0:40 Filed Under: Blog Comment
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Never made it down to play cricket in the end. Stayed at home and read a book instead. And then wasted time googlewhacking. Which is about a pointless as it gets- you try to think up a two word phrase that you can type into Google and will return only one single result. Not none, not two, one. The rules at googlewhack.com are actually pretty strict. So strict in fact that they rejected ‘pert fireballs’, ‘frogspawn unicycle’, ‘benten hedgerow’ and a few others that I can’t remember before I got in with ‘fellatio usufruct’, ‘masticating scrotums’ and ‘leprous swastikas’. Time well spent then.
Aug 4, 2003 at 0:17 Filed Under: Blog Comment
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The Park Attack were red hot the other night. Their best gig so far I’d say. ‘Twas a pity about The Hector Collectors. With a name that good they should have totally rocked, but oh no, they were shit. After the gig I stayed up til about 5 am drinking booze and still made it into the gallery for midday to do the postcards for the members’ show. Which involved a lot of sticking wee fiddly stickers. Anyway, must dash- just got a text from Nick to say they’re in the park playing cricket so I’m going to nip down and see if I can get Alex Pollard a black eye with a spin ball.
over and out
Aug 3, 2003 at 14:24 Filed Under: Blog Comment
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Birthday drinks at Mono was ace. Lots of pals got me drunk and gave me stuff and I even got a cake. Not bad for 28 on a Wednesday night. So I spent yesterday nursing a hellish hangover. And now Trish has gone back home. Boo. (But she’ll be back)!
And so tonight I go to see the Park Attack peddle their musical wares at Stereo. So that should be good.
Names I have given Rob Churm (in roughly chronological order)
Churm
King Edward
The Horse Whisperer
Dirty Robert
Charlotte Church
The Small Boy
Grub
Churminator
Probot
Eggbro