Phoney
I went out shopping yesterday with my mum and got lots of things for the flat including a nice blue phone. When I got home I plugged it in and decided to test it. So I got on my mobile and dialled my new phone number. It started ringing and then I realised that my nice new blue phone wasn’t actually ringing. Then it stopped and a man said ‘Hello?’. So I said something along the lines of… ‘I’ve just phoned my new phone number and you’ve answered but my phone didn’t actually ring and you don’t seem to be anywhere in my flat. What’s going on?’.
And he said ‘Ah, Mr. Wright…’
?
whatthefuck
‘You see, our phone numbers have got mixed up. I told ntl.’
So I said ‘So I’ve got you’re phone number then?’
So he said ‘No, my number just rings out now.’
So I said ‘How did this happen? When will it get fixed? What’s my phone number?’
So he said ‘I don’t know what happened, my phone number just stopped working one day so I phoned ntl and they said that they’d given me your phone number by accident but they’re going to fix it soon and you’re phone number won’t change, but it will start going to your flat.’
So I said ‘Okay, bye.’
Sep 8, 2003 at 14:03 Filed Under: Blog Comment
Hot Dogs
I’m in the gallery breathing in some heavy paint fumes. We’re getting ready for the members show and I’ve just written the newsletter. I’m quite busy at the moment, what with the flat and the gallery and trying to sort out slides of my own work and stuff.
I’m slowly getting used to the flat. Before I moved in with my stuff (ie. book, comics,cds, video-games) and nothing else. The idea was that it’s a fresh start so why bother moving in with a lot of shit. This tactic has resulted in a few situations already. For instance, buying a can of hot dogs (easy to eat) and then having to figure out the best way to prepare such a delicacy. I thought of tearing the label off the can and just heating the can on the cooker camping style but then I thought it could still get a bit smoky. Then I thought maybe I’d just have to eat them straight out of the can. But then I thought why should I have to eat cold hot dog dammit? Then I had a brain-wave. So I popped them in the kettle and flicked the switch. Bingo! Hot hot dogs in one easy step.
I also made the obligatory pilgrimage to Ikea. I’ve never been before so I suffered quite badly from some kind of shock. I think it’s the biggest place I’ve ever been. I was wandering around through all the mock living spaces in this totally massive place and I kept thinking- Why don’t tramps come to Ikea? It’s so enormous, you could hide and they’d never find you to throw you out at night and you could just make yourself at home with all this comfy furniture. Maybe even do some cooking.
Last night I got home quite late and I was pretty tired. I turned on the tap in the kitchen and then I heard a noise like running water. Given the circumstances not that unusual of course. Apart from the fact that the noise was coming from somewhere other than the tap. I was surprised to find that the water was coming out of the tap and into the sink (perfectly normal) then down the plug hole and out of the washing machine (abnormal).
I decided there and then to conduct an investigation into something which I know absolutely nothing about- plumbing. It all seemed pretty straightforward. Lots of white plastic pipes screwed together. The problem must be in one of those pipes somewhere, I thought. So I set about unscrewing them willy-nilly with no regard whatsoever as to how they might be reattached. And when I had them all successfully de-plumbed I realised that I didn’t have the faintest idea what could be wrong other than a vague and unfounded certainty that something must be blocked. The U-shaped pipe looked the most suspicious and briefly became the focus of my inquiry before I came to the conclusion that there never had been a blockage and more importantly I had just irreversibly turned the plumbing back into lengths of pipe.
Reconnecting the sink was a long and worrying affair punctuated only by new leaks every time I turned on the tap to test a new configuration but eventually I somehow managed to get everything in the right place at the right angle. Which I considered a small success. I felt as if I had in a round about way figured out how to plumb things. Plus I was back where I started, with old tap water coming out of the washing machine. Not bad for two hours work. Really good.
Then somehow (maybe I was in the zone [The Plumbing Zone]) I realised what might be wrong. There was a bendy pipe from the washing machine to the sink pipe that went down. So I pulled it and twisted it so that it pointed up. That way water can’t run down it. That was the logic. And so far it has worked. That one wee twist has fixed the whole thing. And I didn’t even have to get a plumber to charge me £120 to do exactly the same thing (minus the trial and error part of course).
As far as online things are concerned there is mixed news. It is my sad duty to report the terrible news that Bob (The Baker’s Son) has abandoned his journal. Maybe because he is now Bob- The Baker’s Famous Son. Who knows. R.I.P.
I am currently winning the Gregor Wright Vs Gregor Wright battle on Google. I even got this email from a Mr. Bert Pringi
“Hi Gregor
You don’t know me. I saw some great pics of your 4xdrive on the Appalachian Trail on your website. Is it for sale? Id be interested in making an offer.
kind regards,
Bert”
Hi Bert
You don’t know me. You’re looking for Gregor Wright the cock sucking yuppie. This clearly isn’t his website. This bunch of nonsense refers to another, far superior Gregor Wright.
Piss Off,
Gregor
Sep 5, 2003 at 19:16 Filed Under: Blog Comment
Kilmarnock Moves
It’s been an eventful few days. I got the keys for the flat on Friday after a fair amount of running around then I went home on Saturday. I haven’t actually been sleeping on the street, I’ve been staying with my old pal Gregor Johnston and his girl which mostly involved playing lots of Zelda on the Gamecube (highly recommended), which was great.
So I went for the train on Saturday and bumped into Kerry MacKenzie, started chatting and ended up on the same train because she was going to Prestwick to meet someone. And when the wee man with the tickets eventually came round I found out that I wasn’t actually on the train to Kilmarnock. This sort of thing happens to me intermittently so it’s never a great shock but it can be pretty annoying. All I know is that I was watching the board waiting for the train to Killie, the platform number came up, I went to that platform, got on the train and ended up in Irvine.
Came back on Sunday and moved all of my stuff into the flat. (My mum gave me a small plant that is covered in purple hair). Then I visited Charlie and Lotte who live just round the corner then went round and visited Alex Frost and Alan Michael who live sort of just up the road. I drank some beer and slept on the sofa.
Today I need to do some flat stuff like sorting out bills and getting something to sleep on, and Rob needs to move in too. My computer is still in a box in Killie but I’m trying to update whenever I can.
I am in the gallery and we have just been visited by the Environmental Health. I can’t stand these type of people. Real straight-down-the-line do-gooders with no brain working for The Man. Patronising as fuck. So she pointed out that the table saw is dangerous. Really? I kept thinking about the time I was sawing an 8 by 4 MDF board on it. There wasn’t enough room so I had to bend the board up and sideways. The saw wasn’t flat on the ground and was rocking diagonally and I was tight against the wall standing on logs. Then she reminded us that it’s easy to fall off of ladders. And apparently it’s not that uncommon to be killed by it. Take note all you ladder climbers out there.
Sep 1, 2003 at 12:17 Filed Under: Blog Comment
I Eat Black Babies
Doreen (ex-land’lady’) just phones out of the blue. She told me that some mail had arrived for me and I should collect it. She then took the opportunity to let me know that we (me, Steph and Rob) were ‘dirty pigs’, that the flat was left in ‘a fucking horrible mess’ and that we were ‘dirty fucking dossers’. She asked what I had cleaned and I said, some of the flat and my room. Then she said ‘Well I was in your room and do you know what I found under your bed?’ I said no and she said ‘Lots of black babies all over the floor’. Which threw me a bit until I realised she was referring to some liquorice cats I misplaced a while ago (that don’t look unlike jelly babies to middle-aged idiots). Glad that’s all sorted out then Doreen.
Aug 27, 2003 at 16:53 Filed Under: Blog Comment
Exodus
Moved everything out of the flat yesterday, handed in the keys and moved all of my stuff home and into my studio. It all went smoothly apart from, as expected, having more junk than I calculated for. And also having at least two completely new sub-categories of junk. But it’s all done now and I can relax (on someone else’s sofa).
Aug 20, 2003 at 11:07 Filed Under: Blog Comment
blah
News just in: Some dick is #1 on Google for ‘gregor wright’ just because he’s got a big car. That bastard will rue the day…
Aug 17, 2003 at 3:20 Filed Under: Blog Comment
Killie
The fish made it home okay. None of them died in transit and they look like they’ll settle in to their new tank. I’m sure they’ll love Kilmarnock. It’s a really nice place if you’re not from there. (None of the fish happen to be indigenous to Kilmarnock).
Put them into The Kilmarnock Tank and went down town to buy some food for them, from ‘The Pet Shop’- which is what the shop is and also happens to be the name of the shop. The Pet Shop.
On the way I bumped into one of my cousins who was out walking her offspring (three of), none of whom I can remember meeting before, and their names escape me. But it was nice to see them on the way to the The Pet Shop.
Then I came home and tried to pack up my stuff. Which was really bad because I’m quite possessive and territorial about My Stuff. So I went round in circles for a while and tried my best to avoid doing as much as possible, then went out for a drink with Jim which was good. But now I need to get up tomorrow and and sort everything out. Everything I’m going to keep and everything I’m going to throw out. I hate throwing anything out but I have to, so tomorrow I’m going to make an inventory.
Aug 17, 2003 at 2:39 Filed Under: Blog Comment
Mort Gag
Today I went to the building society with my mum. Not to open up a junior saver account and get a free balloon. Oh no, it was much scarier and more important than that. We sat in a wee see-through fronted office, answering questions and signing forms. The whole process was fairly painless, much like buying a mobile phone or hiring a car. Apart from the fact that by the time I left, I had borrowed tens of thousands of pounds.
So now it looks like I’ve got myself a nice wee flat. I’ve been keeping it quiet and holding my breath about it for a while now but it looks as if I can finally exhale. Which I fully intend to do just as soon as I get my grubby paws on the keys. I’ve got my grandparents to thank for leaving me some cash and allowing me to get my own roof over my head. And the fact that I will no longer be lining some landlord’s pocket does nothing but fill me with glee.
Tomorrow I have to start packing despite having expertly avoided the issue for days now. It should be a good opportunity to get rid of a lot of crap. (So that I can accumulate new crap). And I need to move some of it to my studio and some of it home. Then I’m going to be homeless for nine days(!) Luckily The Old Dears have agreed to take custody of my fish.
The fish
Three neon tetras (Colourful and cheery looking).
A Siamese fighting fish (Very friendly- you can stroke him).
A Glassfish (Moves about all stop-start-stop).
Three Ghost Catfish (Weirdoes- look like skeletons- totally see-through).
A Plecostomus Catfish (Sucker-mouthed with a huge fin).
I’ve been thinking about how to leave the flat before I go. Not as in hoovering and stuff, as in showing Doreen my gratitude for being kind enough to treat us as if we’ve been camping out in her house. I was trying to think about some way of throwing a spanner in the works without pissing off the people who are going to move in. I thought about somehow planting some kind of seed under the floorboards that would eventually grow into a healthy and giant tenement-cleaving tree. But that would probably involve installing some sort of expensive underfloor lighting and sprinkler system. I thought about rats too but maybe they wouldn’t like it so I’m thinking about woodworm. If you can get diet pills, pepper spray and Xanax on the net, you must be able to get some woodworm. A liberal sprinkling of those wee chaps on the supporting timbers and its game over. In ten years time you’ll be able to sweep the Nut residence into a bin bag.
Aug 13, 2003 at 22:10 Filed Under: Blog Comment
Plumbing
Went out for some drinks last night for Kate’s birthday. After spending most of the day in front of my computer it was good to get out but I was in a funny mood. Ended up drinking cans in a park with Alex Pollard and Craig Mulholland. Then came home.
Before I went out I ate spaghetti hoops on toast but they tasted of potatoes which struck me as unusual.
I felt dizzy for most of today and then the old lady from upstairs that worries about plants came to the door. There was water coming into her kitchen from the flat upstairs (lots of water) but nobody was in and she didn’t know what to do. So I got one of those big metal key things and turned the water off from the street. Then I told her not to go into her kitchen because the ceiling looked like it was going to fall in. I also told her not to worry too much. Then she came down later because her kitchen ceiling had, as predicted, caved in. She said it almost took her out because she was trying to empty one of the buckets that were catching the water. She’s lucky a washing machine didn’t come crashing through the ceiling and crush her. So I reassured her and she offered me a scone. I said thanks but turned it down because I felt dizzy and hung-over. I don’t know what it is with old ladies having narrow escapes from falling objects at the moment.