Vermin
Hello. As you might have noticed, Burning Salad has suffered a fair amount of neglect of late. It’s pretty much an all time low in posting frequency, even by my relaxed standards. Writing here is something I have been avoiding doing.
I decided only moments ago to take a peek at the stats for the site to see if anyone was still reading things here. Actually, it would have to re-reading. Anyway, to my surprise and amazement I found that not only had nobody abandoned ship, there are still more people finding their way here somehow. So I hope you’ve all been enjoying looking at a photograph of my cat’s balls in the meantime.
It seems that people are finding their way to the site through ever more elaborate and inane search terms. This pleases I.
Here are some highlights. Of course, listing them here is only going to reinforce this pages relevance to such nonsense in the eyes of Google. So if you have reached this page through Google, sorry I don’t have what you’re looking for but rest assured that you are not the only nut that types phrases like these into search engines…
cat foaming at the mouth
chimps burning alive
punched in the ribs
salad hands alien
etcetera
Maybe it’s just a version of my ludicrous game coming back to haunt me.
The best thing that has happened in the last week is that the cat caught a mouse. I was doing the dishes with a hangover and he was acting weird and making a lot of noise. Then I heard Trish saying ‘Oh – My – God’! So I came out of the kitchen and saw the cat sitting on the floor with what looked like a large furball in front of him. But it wasn’t a large furball, it was a small mouse.
He must have killed it during the night or the early hours of the morning because it was still fairly fresh ie. not stiff with rigor mortis. It had a small injury to it’s left flank and a stunned expression on it’s face. The cat looked excited and pleased and I congratulated him. He obviously wanted to play ‘Kick The Dead Mouse Around The Flat’ but with Trish being home I had to draw the line. I put the wee fella into the bin with as much ceremony as slice of stale bread. Thus is natures way. He was in the wrong place at the wrong time and now he was in the bin.
Trish seemed worries that we might have mice in the flat until I pointed out that the evidence was pointing to the fact that we might never have mice in the flat. Not lives ones at least.
The week’s other highlight was the Scout Fair on Saturday, where my spending amounted to seven pounds sterling and breaks down as follows:
Sega Megadrive- £2
Megadrive games x 4- £3
Hotdogs x 2- £1
70s bowling bag- 50p
Not quite as good a haul as last year, but pretty good all the same. I lost out on a ZX to a geeky looking fifteen year old. Which I thought was pretty cool when I realised that he wouldn’t have been born in 1983 when I was a Spectrum obsessed kid.
The bowling bag was a bit of a surprise hit. I was only looking for something to put the Megadrive into and it turned out to be a crazy style 70s thing in good condition. And it was this excellent condition that I was inspecting when I made the foolhardy decision to test it crazy 70s style locking mechanism. I did it without thinking and as soon as it (the lock) clicked, it (the metaphorical thought connection) clicked. I had just locked the Megadrive inside the crazy 70s bowling bag. My anger was only tempered by the fact that I couldn’t help laughing at myself. Actually, laughing at the situation and thinking ‘How the fuck do I manage to do things like that’? But what I also managed to do was successfully pick the lock with a paper clip.
And so, that has been me, as they say.
Apart from an a close shave with a hacker late last night. There’s no point in going into boring technical details… My internet connection failed which isn’t that unusual and by coincidence, for unrelated reasons I took the opportunity to restart my computer. My computer then told me that it couldn’t find my network (ie internet connection) and it had been replaced by another one the name of which I won’t repeat here, but was obviously a hacker. Pretty unusual. It seemed that he had or was trying to take control of my base station. This is the internet equivalent of having a hand through your letter box and trying to unlock your front door. So I proceeded to perform the internet equivalent of punching the hand and slamming the door on it.
Anyway, if he is any good at hacking (which it seems he might be) there is a chance that he is reading this now. Not on Burning Salad but as I type…
Hello! Please go away. I can hack a bit too.
And finally, aside from all of this, it was my pal Jamie’s birthday the other day and I forgot. Please feel free to make me feel less bad by going to his blog and posting a belated ‘Happy Birthday’.
Oct 12, 2004 at 14:56 Filed Under: Blog Comment
blah
Hello. Well at least that’s September out of the way. ‘Treat September with contempt’, that’s my motto.
Anyway, the ‘Shape is back to normal. In fact he was back to normal within hours. ‘No balls, no worries’ that’s his motto.
I have been in my studio working on my work and that is the real reason why I have not been writing much Burning Salad of late. And I am not going to write anything much right now either. In fact once this sentence has stopped I am going to stop writing although tomorrow I may change my mind goodbye.
Oct 6, 2004 at 19:26 Filed Under: Blog Comment
Nevermind The Bollocks
Well, the show went okay. It got a review of sorts in the Glasgow Herald that described the work as ‘punkish’ and ‘blunt’, which isn’t so bad. (And the presence of the article online seems to mean that I now show up on a Google search for Gregor ‘brusque’ Wright, which is good).
The cat is going to see the vet tomorrow. To get his balls removed. And despite being a sensible and necessary procedure, it is a prospect that makes me wince. I am writing this with my legs crossed. Needless to say, Trish is infinitely more keen on having the deed done than I am. She is worried about the prospect of a tomcat spraying pungent urine on everything it thinks it owns- ie. everything. And rightly so. Whereas I am more disturbed by the idea of life without balls. And so one of life’s little ironies will unfold at approximately midday tomorrow, and it is thus…
Cat assumes that it owns ultimately irrelevant domestic items (plant, sofa, tv etc) – Cat systematically pisses on them in order to prove this – Owner (of both cat and said domestic paraphernalia) recoils in horror and has cat’s balls chopped off – Cat loses the two single most important pieces of equipment that it actually did own in the first place.
Oh, the guilt.
Sep 23, 2004 at 23:20 Filed Under: Blog Comment
blah
I have been installing my drawings at the Gallery of Modern Art here in Glasgow for a show called Country Grammar for the last few days. Everything is going okay apart from the fact that, at the moment, I am late…
Sep 14, 2004 at 10:28 Filed Under: Blog Comment
blah
Not a great deal to report at the moment. Or rather, I’m not really in the mood. I’m in my studio all the time at the moment in a bid to avoid the more dismal aspects of real life (whatever that is).
Wormed the cat yesterday morning. He ran around the flat foaming at the mouth profusely.
I am currently watching Why Chimps Kill on Channel 5. (The best scientific explanation seems to be ‘because they are hungry’).
Oh, and Grand Congratula to The ‘Nand, for they have won a fancy medal.
Sep 8, 2004 at 21:41 Filed Under: Blog Comment
Smoke
I went to see the increasingly inappropriately named Sonic Youth play at The Barras on wednesday night.
I had to leave my karate class early in order to get there on time but luckily one of the black belts was thoughtful enough to punch me in the ribs before I left. And so I found out that being punched in the ribs by a black belt feels very much like being punched in the ribs quite hard by a very strong person.
The gig itself was okay. It’s the first time I’ve seen the ‘Youth live, but since I haven’t heard any of their albums since Experimental Jet Set Trash, I didn’t know what to expect… apart from maybe not recognising most of the songs. Which I didn’t (apart from Kool Thing).
Then afterwards I made it to the pub for last orders and ended up back at Gilfedder’s place in an attempt to drink on. But I was quite jaked at this point and at some point fell victim to the nicotine mania I occasionally experience when drunk. (This is a desire to smoke so desperate it feels like either I am going to explode or I am going to smash everything). So there I was, pissed up and going out of my mind for a cigarette but too inebriated to take any sort of affirmative action other than pester people at regular intervals who have already told me they don’t have any tobacco/don’t even smoke/don’t actually care.
The thing is, there obviously was tobacco on the premises- it’s just that it was being used to make joints. Bonus! Well not really because I don’t smoke dope anymore. And I’m fairly strict about it. Unless I happen to be drunk and in the throes of nicotine mania. Which I was. So after passing up a few I gave in and in my drunken stupor I was dragging on those joints like they were regular smokes. Which they clearly weren’t. And so rather predictably (unless drunk), I became very stoned very quickly, bolted and made my way home with a mild case of mind bees.
I went out last night too- to The ‘Institute to see Tony Swain’s show which I liked a lot, and then onto The Polish Club for more drinks and pizza.
And today I’ve taken it easy because tomorrow I have a karate grading and my ribs are still sore.
Sep 4, 2004 at 22:00 Filed Under: Blog Comment
This Just In
Aug 30, 2004 at 0:30 Filed Under: Blog Comment
The Applicant
A show called Bad Lad’s Army graced UK televisions recently. It was pretty formulaic and mildly amusing at best. Basically it involved taking a bunch of petty criminals and putting them through a 50′s style National Service regime. And filming the whole fiasco reality-TV style. They were ‘taught a lesson’- we were ‘entertained’.
Anyway, I got into the spirit of things and sent the following email to The British Army…
Hallo,
I have see the bad lads army and I liked it a lot so. I thinked this is my life now. I too am bad and I know that I will like to be in your army. Please vigilantely read my statstics. Here they are:
The Strengths
I am always ina fight (for example)
I am angry with my friends
I explore
Weaknesses
I have none!
I cannot liek civiliains (I do not know them)
Interests
The armies
Going into the field
The Triumph Of Justice
Other Relevants
My cammaflage is very excellent.
I see far away.
The police seem futile.
Have you realised that these are suitable?
I think I would be major or a Corporeal. I will probably know how to fly the choppers. If you want me to do electronics I can and I don’t mind if I explode. Guns are easy for me to understand at any time. As I have mentioned allready my speed is unusual. Also I am a giant.
Start the next process now.
goodbye
Greogor
Aug 29, 2004 at 23:41 Filed Under: Blog Comment
blah
Trish has been away for a week and she’s coming back tonight, so I need to tidy up. Some of the plants have died and the cat pissed on the sofa.