Gregor – Burning Salad

The Week on Twitter: 29 August, 2011

For #aprilfools I'm going to pretend to be Justin Bieber. Then I'm going to change my name to Justin Boober and become a drug addict. #
I know I haven't tweeted much this last week but everyone who #FFs me today will receive a free pancake. I will make it and post it to you. #
@JerryStillman Quit pussyfooting around and get to bed. #
@rhodri Where? #
@rhodri WINNING! #
@JerryStillman Cat's more like it. #
Am I seeing things? Google are celebrating (with fancy logo) 'The 119th Anniversary Of The First Documented Ice Cream Sundae'. #JumpTheShark #
Those logo changes Google do to commemorate increasingly banal and pointless things are called Google Doodles. Let's do #GoogleDoodleIdeas ! #
#GoogleDoodleIdeas : First dwarf in space- Vanishingly small logo represents dwindling earth the midget saw as he shot through empty vacuum. #
#GoogleDoodleIdeas : Anniversary of magma- Celebrating the first formation of lava in earth's crust. Logo destroys screen with excess heat. #
#GoogleDoodleIdeas Wood remembrance day. Google remind us there was a time when everything was made out of wood. Using 'wood effect' jpegs. #
RAISINS injected with grape juice make a great cheap alternative to grapes. @TwopTwips #
TURNIPS suspended from paperclips make a great cheap alternative to gypsy style earrings. @TwopTwips #
You have *got to* try De-Solv-it Sticky Stuff Remover. Only a quid from the pound shop. Lemon flavour, tastes great. #
Fuck you White Tack. I gave you a chance over your better known Blu rival and all you do is spit my drawings on the floor on a daily basis. #
I can confirm that Bostik Blu-Tack is vastly superior to UHU White Tack in the sticking-things-to-other-things stakes. #
@MonkeyTypes Ready. #
@dsjuliea Good luck! #
@dsjuliea What is it you do? (Sorry just being nosy.) #
@dsjuliea Ah okay, cool. Good luck, good luck! #
Today I am going to use Blu-Tack White. That's right folks, not White Tack… *white Blu-Tack*. The Dylan goes electric moment of adhesives. #
@gedmundson ahaaha! Hey Grier, was good to see you last week, hope all is good with you… gotta be with an avatar like that. #
Dear Mr. Spammer, Thanks for contacting me with your interesting offer but I hope your penis shrivels up and your house burns down. #
@VictoriaCoren Drinking in Stereo right by Central Station if you fancy a pint. #
I wonder if Tim Henman is any good at Pong. #
@RichardWiseman What do you call a large, angry silverback gorilla in a crash helmet? Anything you like, he can't hear you. #
D&D fans (Dungeons&Dragons for those with well spent youth) will be amused to know that my cat's fav toy to smash around the flat is a D100. #
A D100 is of course a 100 sided dice. And he makes some pretty hefty attack rolls. Pretty sure because he knows my damage soak is so low. #
Just in Futureshock Comics for the first time in many a moon. Sooo glad that indie comic/book shops still exist… and are still mega weird! #
Monies are on Midnight Club, BecauseICouldntSee, Niche Market and Big Fella Thanks. goGoGO!!! #grandnational #
Horses run fast. #
@D_WRIGHT_GNOCK Hey Darren, I'm good thanks. How's it going? Hope you're well. #
#thistwitterhashtagissodamnhugethattheresnospacelefttoactuallysayanythingbutthatsokaybecauseitsallabouthehashtagreallypleaseRTandmakeittrend #
@Koncher Where? #
@Koncher ZOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMGGG!!! #
Wow! That's The Walking Dead off to a cracking start. #
The Walking Dead was fantastic. For example: Great version of the ripped-off-at-the-waist person dragging themselves along the ground. #
@luke88addis Yeah. Let's do it! #
Here's the short URL version of my Monster Hashtag: http://oky.so/bigtag #
@mfbolla Consider this the abridged version of the full-blown monster tag! #
@robmanuel Congratulations! #
@AlsBoy That's crazy. The girl on the right actually flipped out an entire line of her pals with one smooth arm motion. #
@Koncher I can't remember if you said Death Rally was actually good or was supposed to be good but wasn't. SO WHICH IS IT THEN SMARTARSE? #
@Koncher This is a thinly veiled brag. I like it. #
@Koncher On again tonight? #
@Koncher word #
This is Tweet number 434. And when you think about it, 434 is a number. #
Fifty years today since Yuri Gagarin shot off into space! It's about time someone went to get him really. #
I think I've broken something. #
No, I haven't. #
In my spare time I like to use URL shorteners as URL lengtheners by entering their own URL into themselves. For example: http://j.mp/dM5lNH #
Fact: Monosodium glutamate makes everything taste great! I have eaten- piece of candle, 10p piece, various houseplants, clock. All v good. #
@Koncher I hope he rolls it up into a straw and uses it to snort the magic dust. #
@Jayenkai The latter please! #
@Jayenkai *phew* You had me worried for a second there. #
I hate it when predictive text goes wrong. You try to say "Yeah sure sounds good" and it goes out as "Nah fuck you, you dull bastard". #
@ellichapman I love it! #
Alright Twitterites, don't say I'm not good to you! #FF @oWLaTroN @dangerlion @BlackEgg @fartwaft @biglongname @dooooooooooom @fatfuck @old #
@VictoriaCoren Your thoughts on the pokerpocalypse that has just happened (as in, the last hour or so).. The end of online poker or just US? #
The FBI seize the poker sites while you're in the middle of a session. That's never a good sign. Goodnight. #
@Koncher Tomorrow for that. And stop spelling loser wrongly like an internet gonk. #
Still not quite sure how to pronounce One Direction. Is it 'wand-erection' or is it 'inane-vacuous-fame-whores'? Tough call. #onedirection #
@magic_girlie @AlsBoy Funny that because that Dulux dog is such a big fat bourgeois bastard. #
"Retweeted by [insert person] and others" Who the fuck are the 'others'? Better not be those weirdos from Lost stalking me on the internet. #
Is the Large Hadron Collider a thing that collides large hadrons or is it a large thing that collides normal sized hardons? #LHC #
@Koncher Large Hardon Collider #
@lyron Ah yeah, that's what I thought. Might build my own machine that mashes hadrons into bigger hadrons. Seems to be a gap in the market. #
The Sex Pistols' God Save The Queen will be on iTunes tomorrow until Apr 23. Buy it and help get it to Number 1 for the royal wedding. #
Firefox 4 pointless infinite loop fun: File>Open File… [select a PDF]- At prompt "What should FF do…" hit Open With: and choose FireFox. #
Telly just said there are now three rats for every person. Great, that means I've got three rats! Where the f are they tho? I want my rats!! #
Hullo @CatOfNightjar, how far are you from The Black Dog? #
@CatOfNightjar Godspeed you spacefaring feline! #
Just opened a fresh deck of red circle back Tallies. Good morning! #
The return bus fare into town is three quid when the train is two twenty? So pay 80p for a 70% higher chance of a random violent encounter. #
@Koncher I got WORK to do!!! #
The shards of tinfoil in @gregorwright's blood scramble the signal and he flees in a dreary public class escape vessel. #MythBending #
@VoiceOfNightjar Be sure to let us know when you pass The Tannhauser Gate. #
@JanieNicoll Cycling in Glasgow doesn't look like a whole lot of fun. Think I'm going to continue to be a 'random pedestrian'. #
@SisterSlash How? #
@petefirman You should just use the Twitter Facebook app, sir. #
@petefirman Yeah, true. #
Sword & Sworcery for iPhone has finally hit the app store! BooM! Insta-mashed the download button!!! #woot #
I hope the @DalaiLama turns up to the royal wedding half jaked on White Lightning and kicks right off. #
Birthday Message To The Queen: Happy bday Liz dont get too drunk lol watch @DalaiLama dont blow up lol card late becuz Moonpig fuckd it haha #
@warrenellis So it is! (I checked) #
@brokentv I'm going to see him live next week. Can't wait! #
@brokentv Yeah, the lottery prediction wasn't the greatest. Kinda silly. Other than that (and the terrible painting) I think he's great. #
@wossy Martin Luther Kingfisher. #
@Koncher Aw man, remember Lichard Dawkins and Lichard Feynman cutting about in the Forestry Commission… dawg I miss those days. #
@rhodri I clubbed a man to death with a pasty once. #
Ah, time to reflect on the Easter story. JC nailed to cross, escapes, hangs out in cave with hooker, comes back as zombie, people roll eggs. #
Good Friday. The Christian marketing department really went into overdrive on that one. What next… Interesting Thursday… Nice Wednesday? #
On further reflection, perhaps that should have been Nice Saturday since there's already a Wednesday. You know, the one sponsored by Orange. #
@ChrisKenner Any good tips, other than SortKwik? My hands are permanently dry and slidey. #
Twitter's new home page looks a bit more corporate I SAID TWITTER'S NEW HOMEPAGE LOOKS A BIT MORE CORPORATE fuck #
Eight quid for 16 smokes out of a machine. Lucky Strike are good but that's a lot of coin. (Not me smoking of course.) #
@Koncher Micro dawg. That be the one for the iPhone. #
One irection #bandsmissingaletter #
Sony sued the team who cracked the PS3's encryption for 'irreparable injury and damage' but didn't keep data for 77million people encrypted. #
I'm sorry but that is so far beyond ridiculous that it's hard to comprehend. Corporate arrogance and contempt on a galactic scale. #fuckSony #
Going through to see @DerrenBrown at the Playhouse tonight! woot! #
@koncher holy shit dawg, this looks Boss!!! If they nail this, it could be one of the best games ever! http://oky.so/drive #
@Koncher Yeah, could be sooo good. And also, just realised- it's from the guys who made EpicWin. #
Mail just arrived with eight issues of Angry Youth Comix all signed by @MrJohnnyRyan himself! Fuckin boss! And thanks for the sketch Johnny! #
TOYNBEE IDEA: IN Kubrick's 2001 RESURRECT DEAD ON PLANET JUPITER. #
@glasgowfilm No way! That's the one with Harvey Keitel in it. When's it on??? #
@glasgowfilm Grrraaaaaggghhh!!! YOU HAVE TO SHOW THIS FILM!!! O_o #
@AidanJohnMoffat Same here. Am holding out hope for a comedy fuck up moment in front of an audience of billions though. #
Seated and awaiting the grand entrance of the pointy bearded mind fiddler @DerrenBrown #
@DerrenBrown, now that man knows how to put on a show! Thanks, congrats, well done, hats off etc Was a great evening! #
@RichardWiseman Cat =^_^= Owl (*¥*) Fish >-)))))•> #
@DerrenBrown I peed on that popcorn x #
Some toff baldie gonk is marrying this horsey looking posh bird on the telly right now. #
Just spotted the @DalaiLama up the back there. Gubbed on Special Brew and causing a bit of a ruckus. Such a shame. #RoyalWedding #
After this long and tedious religious diatribe @RichardDawkins is coming out to breakdance and lighten the mood apparently. #RoyalWedding #
The choir are now emitting a low frequency hum which I fear may be an experiment in brown noise. #RoyalWedding #
Why's The Queen not singing? Oh no wait… it's God Save The Queen. Still, maybe she's gone all emo and doesn't want to be saved. #RoyalShit #
Just managed to lip read the @DalaiLama there. Seems to be bragging to Elton John that he's been beta testing Gears Of War 3. #RoyalWedding #
So there was a royal wedding themed riot in Kelvingrove Park with riot cops, horses and folk singing "Shove the royal wedding up your arse"! #
Just at Jobcentre: 'International Bogeyman. Duties include being used to manipulate public opinion.' Don't think you get tax credits though. #
@Aiannucci Stringfellow's 'arguments' were pretty dim. #
@davidshrigley I saw you. Doin a dump on the grass. #
What can possibly be bad about a new Audio Visual voting system? #
@Jayenkai Ugh, you're right, good point! An eternity of Tories doesn't even bear thinking about. #
@Jayenkai Lookin good! #
@DaftLimmy The tilde ~is very important you tit. #
@Koncher Yeah. Can't remember which one though. Will check. #
Did a cock-and-balls on my ballot paper. #
@Koncher ack! You need to tape them up! #
@PenguinBooks Gotta be William Burroughs. Would be amazing to #bringback the crazy old genius and hang out and shoot the shit! #
Out drinking with that @DalaiLama last night. Really nice guy, just wish he'd stop banging on about how great he is at Guitar Hero. #
@charltonbrooker A clove? Surely you mean dove. #
@alanbenzie We have them nesting in the tree right outside the window every year. Policing is right… they flip out big time at cats. #
@rdallasgray Congratulaaations!!! Hope Sorcha, the wee man and you are all well! Give Sorcha my best. #
@DaftLimmy So is Wasted. #
@DaftLimmy # #
Just saw the headline, CITY DRUGS GANG SMASHED. I mean, they're a drugs gang, what do sort of nick do you expect them to be in? #
I hate it when I make a twitter typo. Fucking twypos. Or is it tweepos? I dunno. #
@Koncher Sounds like security through obscurity to me. Which usually isn't a good an idea. #
@namco_ hah! I thought the same thing. Electronics expert != Creator of CPC464. #
@krantzjulia Hey Julia, thanks! Glad you liked my site. #
YAAASS!!! Someone's making a Call of Cthulhu game for the iPhone. #cthulhu #HPLovecraft #
@DaftLimmy No actually. #
@krantzjulia ah great, thanks. I did a talk last year that I still need to upload the video of and I'm going to do a talk/essay soon too. #
Fantastic piece about the internet by Douglas Adams. http://oky.so/net #
@krantzjulia yup #
@rhodri Didn't you read the strap-line? HOOK UP WITH REAL CONFUSED CLIP-ART WINGED GOTH CHICKS IN YOUR AREA TONIGHT!!! #
***Sponsored Tweet | Please Note: This is a Sponsored Tweet, brought to you by Cilit Bang© Bang and the Dirt is Gone! *** The flat's a mess. #
It's not really. I was paid to say that. #
LIDL – Because sometimes, once you've bought all your groceries, what you really need is a fire extinguisher and a pair of shoes. #
@DaftLimmy No you don't know. Shut up. Shut up. #
Just sent all of my bank and credit card details to Sony. Don't have a Playstation or anything, just thought they might like to know. #
Love the way tube trains have got a horn and do a feeble *beep* as they thunder in. Just in case you happen to be relaxing on the line. #
In case of emergency, blow nose on teabag. #
Francis Rossi from Staus Quo is known by his bandmates for being a fan of pasta. If you don't believe me check Wikipedia, fool. #
I wonder how far you could throw a crab. One of those huge big ones if you hurled it like a discus. #
@charltonbrooker @HellonHighHeels Here you go. http://www.imtoo.com/dvd-subtitle-ripper.html #
Really need to start bulking up so I can get on the next series of Supersize Vs Superskinny as a fatty. #
Hello @LordSugar. If it was you Lord Sugar, Steve Jobs and Bill Gates in a cage fight to the death, who would win Lord Sugar? Thanks Lord Su #
Sorry @LordSugar, please ignore my Q re physical violence. Didn't realise you are a plantation owner and not the rich gargoyle man on TV. #
Hello @Lord_Sugar. Someone is pretending to be you on Twitter Lord Sugar, sir. Am willing to kill him sir, for money or share options. #
@moonminerva Why do we want it to go across the pond? It might go rubbish. #
@nowdunc aft, don't like sports games. #
@Koncher That is amazing!! There was something I was meaning to tell you but I've forgotten what. #
@RichardWiseman Think you might be interested in this. Cats intuitively using the iPad to 'hunt' prey. http://youtu.be/vaif2uq_0Vc #
The world ends tomorrow does it? So what's happening to all us athiests and agnostics? We getting left behind or we getting zapped? #rapture #
@AidanJohnMoffat As Lennon said, "Imagine all the people living life in peace". But also imagine all the porn, hotdogs, drugs and loud music #
See how I misspelled atheist there, that's my escape clause. "Hey God. I thought I was atheist but actually dyslexic. Thought you were a dog #
BOOM BOOM! #
Oh @Lord_Sugar sir, it seems the world is ending tomorrow. We must strike while the iron's hot! Kill @LordSugar and take his account. $$$ !! #
Dear Cliff Richard, you don't know me but I know you (because of your 'music') please help cuz the world ends tmrw, what shd I do? @SirCliff #
Know how Follow Friday #FF can get a bit dull? Help me get #LOLF going. Okay, I'll start. @mohammed The tweets, timestamps, photo. Amazing. #
@CindyGillen4337 Know what? I don't have a dog. kthxbai #
@Koncher Wait! I remember what it was I was going to say… Did you see the picture of Endeavour the girl took from the plane? Really nice. #
@Koncher But she posted it on Twitpic, so gave up all copyright on the image before it went insane viral *sigh* http://twitpic.com/4yg6hs #
@Koncher Aha. Maybe it was even you that put it in front of my eyeballs. #
Non-gaming ahoy! … Extremely mundane places in Minecraft. http://t.co/7ga0DuV #
Beautiful Tonight but #iftheworldendsonsaturday #iwannaslap Accrington Stanley. Oh and #imallergicto Percy Pig. #
@rdallasgray Sounds like a win-win to me. Hope all is going well! #
@rdallasgray Ah, good! #
@nowdunc 4 Snickers? Are you serious? That's ridiculous. Also, this is a thinly veiled attempt at a brag. Get a grip McQuarrie! #
Fans of fantastic documentary King Of Kong are going to flip out for this new doc about Tetris fiends. Ecstasy Of Order http://oky.so/tetris #
@timhayward Didn't the guy who invented sandwiches do something else before that? #
@Koncher Awesome! #
The wind has blown my fence down. #
Ever get it where you think you've boiled the kettle, make a cup of tea, go to drink it and it's stone cold? I do that too often. #autopilot #
Ugh, Gil Scott-Heron's dead. #
@jorm Best advice they'll ever get imo. Good job! #
Cats hate chewing gum. Sometimes you have to use this kind of information to your advantage. #
@DerrenBrown Before you were all famous- ever seriously tempted to use your mind fiddling skills for nefarious ends? #
@DerrenBrown Your preferred way to die? #
@DerrenBrown That's obviously not a threat or an offer, by the way. #
@TwopTwips Lengths of string tied tightly around the midriff will cause rolls of fat to pop out abruptly giving the illusion of six pack abs #
Dear Satan, sorry I've not been in touch for a while. But could you please destroy One Direction as soon as possible. kk thx bye x #
@elizabethhare Beware falling pianos, that's all I can say. #
@foxytate This worked for me! Thanks!! #
@foxytate Hullo. #
@foxytate Well, yes, but normally my eyes aren't so bloodshot. That picture was taken after a heavy night. #
@JerryStillman First episode was amazing. #
@RichardWiseman @HighwaysCattery What was he ****ing out there? Looks like he's invented a new swear word. #
Just took a load of tech to the dump. Thought it would be sad. Wasn't. Old dead hardware soaked in rain… more like Bladerunner. #timetodie #
@brokentv I've got a Roadrunner car license plate I got in Universal Studios (I think) as a kid… and it says Beep Beep! #
@brokentv Yeah. And let's not forget the Teenage Mutant HERO Turtles. Ugh. #
Computer games have come a long way. Just found an old game for the Dragon 32 called Tea Time. "Catch the falling tea, keep your mug full." #
Imagine that was an entire level in LA Noir. Catching drips of tea in a mug. For hours. #
@AidanJohnMoffat done! #
Twitter, help!! The blurb after The Apprentice said: blah blah blah and graphic novelist Alan Moore. Is Alan Moore on TV somewhere now/soon? #
…s i l e n c e… Thanks for nothing Twitter. ALAN MOORE IS NOT GOING TO BE HAPPY WHEN HE FINDS OUT I CAN'T SEE HIM ON TELLY! #
Overstretched myself a bit there. Total Twitter tumbleweed. #Twumbleweed #
@charltonbrooker Clearly you have yet to download Advanced Aunt Strangler. #
@manukenkun I love you! #
@charltonbrooker No way. Some guys put a lot of effort into a game and it comes out a bit un-amazing… hardly a hangable offense. #
@rhodri Isn't it a moth ball. (sorry) #
*lolsigh* RT @sirbonar None of us have ever taken any drugs. Nor do we intend to. Thus we can make unbiassed pronouncements on the subject #
That last retweet is so wrong in so many ways it would be funny if 'The War On Drugs' weren't one of the great disasters of the 20th century #
Just saw a man with a really muscular forehead. And he did not look happy. #
@Jayenkai Explain please! #
@Jayenkai heh, got all dreamy eyed about Samurai Showdown 2 for a second there. #
Hullo Twitter. Here's a wee something for Follow Friday… @oldmansearch #FF #
@Koncher Yeah, same. May not even be genuine. #
@Koncher Actually, probably cruel since there's no editing and 'search' is insta-live. Some gems though, like 'eggs give me a headache'! #
@Koncher But I suspect not even real since even an 81 year old is going to notice that he's never getting any search results. Surely. #
Just noticed the 'jump to random person you follow' button. #
@frieze_magazine Go Karla! #
@robmanuel Funnier if you had dropped the salt shaker on his foot. #
@robmanuel Yup. But you missed your chance to spurn his 'humour' by cheerily shouting ARREST ME THEN, PIG!!! or NO! THIS IS ASSAULT! *PUNCH* #
Just saw 4 Rooms. A big uppercase LOL to the idiots who turned down 240 G for a Banksy wall piece. They paid 30. Also, Banksy sucks balls. #
Quick Apple fact for all you Apple fans eagerly awaiting WWDC 2011… 'Steve' Jobs is actually short for: Steven Jobs. Yup. True story. #
@Koncher … six … four … #EVENTHAPPENED #
@Koncher @eventhappening #
Right, so the Moomins have a square go with the Clangers… who wins? #
Personally I think the Clangers knock fuck out the Moomins every time, but that's just me. #
@rhodri I think you'll find the past participle is 'troubleshitted'. #
@foxytate Agreed. #
@manukenkun oooh, that's controversial. #
@AlsBoy Thought it was an urban myth that people actually said that and were really like "I shoved the loo brush up my arse. It got stuck." #
@Cunthorse diPLODicus is sooo stupid… who the f did came up with that shite? torTOIZE is okay though, in my opinion. So there. #
@Cunthorse Also, it always amused me how they changed the planet Uranus… from Your-ANUS… to avoid embarrassment… to URINE-us. #
@FamilyOfBeasts I haven't actually, thanks for the tip. #
Okay Twitter, you know what the internet was invented for… it's time to invent and propagate some cultural misinformation. I'll start. #
eremy Paxman stole the enigma machine (before smashing it up and posting it back to Bletchley Park). #mythbending #
When on location David Attenborough refuses to eat anything other than fried rats. #mythbending #
In 2000, Jeremy Paxman stole the enigma machine. (Before smashing it up and sending it to Bletchley Park.) #mythbending #
When on location, David Attenborough refuses to eat anything other than fried rats. #mythbending #
Bored of #mythbending already. Not as much fun as I thought it would be. #
There should be a thing on Twitter where if someone does a rubbish Tweet, you can give them a massive electric shock. #
@FamilyOfBeasts Ah, thank you! #
@Cunthorse Yeah, exactly. You're not going to data-mine your own details, change your own copyright TOS without notice etc etc. #
@Koncher ruining? #
@alanbenzie Congrats, Good Luck, etcetera !!! #
James Bond #budgetremakes Mr. No, From Rusholme With Love, The Man With The Gold leaf Gun, The Spy Who Quite Liked Me, Lawnraker, Monopussy #
Twitter Tip: When tweeting about Loose Women, save space by replacing the cumbersome hashtag #loosewomen with the more concise #sluts #
@foxytate YAAASSS!!! Remember the last time he was on? Uncooperative (obviously)… and made an awkward silence with some surreal gurning. #
YAASSS!!! Mark E Smith is on Newsnight tonight. #
@AidanJohnMoffat Your guess is as good as mine. Probably talking nonsense, maybe doing some weird gurning like last time. Should be good! #
So Mark E Smith wasn't on Newsnight. I want my money back. #
@rhodri What fucker said that!? #
I'm going to Orkney tomorrow. Wonder what that'll be like. Be eating seagulls and drinking rainwater I expect. Also, no trees apparently. #
No trees. What the fuck am I going to do without trees. #
@bureauista Will do. And thanks for the tip. x #
@AlisonWinChis Yes! And a penguin egg McMuffin on the side. Now you're talking my language. #
Hairy jumper is not supposed to be hairy. #
#YEAHTHATSRIGHTCAPSLOCKMOTHERFUCKER #
#ScottishFilms The Buckfast And The Furious #
@gedmundson Aw, thanks Grier. That sure is a fancy cat house… and I shall build one! #
Question time audience auto-clap. "No bombs" CLAPCLAPCLAP "Lower taxes" CLAPCLAPCLAP "More bombs" CLAPCLAPCLAP "Kill orphans" CLAPCLAPCLAP #
Just as I posted that, the guy from The Mail did the biggest tumbleweed in Q Time history. "Children always sexualised" … … no clap … #
Hullo Orkney! #
@rdallasgray Cheers Robert! #
Few photos of Orkney… uploaded the old fashioned way. Am being a social media curmudgeon, but hey. #
Next tweet will be number 666. Worked out well. Will do it from a place called Tomb Of The Eagles. #magick #
yesod am kethor grenth set shoggoth betel al jar thoth am set an ketel bahamut sol yet al ghul #
667 – fax number of the beast #
RT @RichardWiseman If you are into skepticism/science and in/near Glasgow, http://www.skeptron.co.uk it on today! #
@SimonBloor Congrats! #
@nowdunc Working like a dog, drinking a lot of beer (Scapa) and whiskey (Scapa) and shooting pool with team Lambie. #
Back from Orkney. Was very nice. Worked. Drank. Went whale-spotting. Swam in the sea. #
@Cunthorse Quotes please. #
@ChrisKenner Three strikes and you're out. #
Fuck it, I'm going to lick one of those toads. #
@neilhimself Burn it off. #
Aw shit. Sad news about Ryan Dunn. Love Jackass, v sad #
Summer Solstice is dreich in Glesga town. hmph. #
Glasgow Solstice Mega Grim. Dead sky and that slow, lazy, insidious ambient rain that can dampen yer mind if you let it. #
@Jayenkai Any advice on iPhone game dev tools? Obj-C/Cocoa vs Cocos 2D vs Corona vs iTorque vs ?? #
@AidanJohnMoffat What does fankle mean? #
@AidanJohnMoffat Acht aye, I knew that… but I've only ever said fankled- like 'that's all fankled', never just fankle. #
@AidanJohnMoffat My favourite Scots word might be dreich. And I'm also fond of puddock. #
@AidanJohnMoffat Acht, haud yer wheesht and stop havering! Anyway, I'm wabbit and away tae ma bed. Guid nicht! #
@Jayenkai thx! I've got programming experience in things like PHP, RealBasic. Just wondering should I finally bite the bullet and learn C. #
@Jayenkai Awesome Jay, thank you! Spike Dislike is still first game I play when I'm on my iPhone. #
@Jayenkai And I just recently noticed that the pixelly black background has parallax scrolling. Amazing. #
@Jayenkai lol, it's awesome. #
Embarassing Bodies Live just came on the telly. Think I might hook up the web cam and try and get on with a fictitious case of Tourette's. #
Holy shit. Latest Infinity Blade update – 585 MB. Does that game just keep on growing until it's pushed everything else off of your iPhone? #
iCuckoo: Innocuous looking app that self-installs, demands increasing time and attention while surreptitiously erasing all other apps. #
#slightlyaddicted is an oxymoron you morons. #
@AlsBoy Amazing. #
Just found a hedgehog in the garden. Painted it blue. Now smashing it around the house at high speed. Happy birthday Sonic! #sonic20th #
@Cunthorse I'm stealing that idea for the next series of Dragons Den. FuckSocks (c) [patent pending]. #
@Cunthorse Ah, of course. Silly me. I was more thinking of just the word itself as a functionally useless euphemism for 'fucksake(s)'. #
@Cunthorse My main idea for Dragons' Den is tying a lettuce to my cat. The Kittuce has many uses… mobile snack, find lost cat easily etc #
Orange just phoned me about my iPhone. During the blah, the Orange-bot told me that Apple are going to contact them next week with news. #
@AidanJohnMoffat Richard III is a good wee tune. #
@AidanJohnMoffat http://t.co/CVGQllA Also, it might be rhyming slang… Richard III = turd. #
You would think that the plural of 'cock and balls' is 'cocks and balls'. But it isn't, it's 'cock and ballses'. #callthegrammarpolice #
Holy cow! @DANIELmadison is on Penn & Teller: Fool Us tomorrow night, trying to put one over on @pennjillette @MrTeller. Great telly ahoy! #
@LeighFrancis The Queen died. #
#FF @Cunthorse: good name, great tweets @AlsBoy: good tweets, funny pics @robmanuel: the Ginger Führer obviously @TummyCustard: funny #
Internet, I have invented a new word. Gimme a sec. #
Droomer | ['droomer] noun – (from bedroomer) Someone who spends significant amounts of time engaged in solitary activites. (See geek, nerd). #
Why dont tennis players use that gentle pre-match warmup to psych out their opponent by smashing the ball at their face as hard as possible? #
@AlsBoy Nae bother #
@Koncher wat? #
@brokentv Don't forget to steal from yourself and burn random household objects. #
If Ljubicic tattooed his head grey/green it would look like the top of his head had been chopped off and you could see his brain. #Wimbledon #
Just saw a Hirst spin painting flash up on mega screen behind U2 at Glasto. Probably from Bono's own collection made with tax-dodge money. #
f Rupert titting Grint #
Just got off the phone to Joseph Aloisius Ratzinger, Pope Benedict XVI. And here is what he said… #
"Gregor man, the word 'literally' is fucked beyond belief these days. Cunts keep using it idiomatically or as an intensifier or superlative" #
And I said, "Pope, you are not right about very much. But you are right about that". #
@alkapranos Yes indeed! I'll give you his phone number once he gets his new sim card. #
@alkapranos I know, me too. But apparently he got banned from Orange Wednesdays for shouting at the big screen and is now switching to O2. #
'Where shall I mostly point my arsehole today?' thought the cat. #
@alkapranos Yeah, I heard that too. Selling off all of his old gadgets to pimp out the Popemobile apparently. http://t.co/6zHHDpc #
@AidanJohnMoffat ditto #
@DANIELmadison Just watched your performance on P&T Fool Us… Really was incredible. Well done! #
@rpaulwilson @andynyman Yup. Tam Shepherd's is a Glasgow legend. #
Haven't had a phone call from Aleister Crowley in a while. Hope he's okay. #
@Cunthorse Pretty grizzly. #
Been hanging out a lot on MySpace recently. Really good. Got the whole place all to myself. #
Holyfuck! The big open-top No Cuts protest bus that's been driving around town just swerved through the window of McDonalds. Free burgers!!! #
If I text someone to see if they want to drop by for a cuppa, my iPhone asks them if they want to drop by for a viola. #
@rdallasgray Hey Robert! I think we should hook up for a manly pint soon! #
Rooting for The Hayemaker. #
Got a sweat on The Hayemaker. Here we go… #
@ITRIED2WARNU lol yeah! #
Yes. I am ready to rumble. #
Jeez. Klitschko looks like a mean bastard. #
If Klitschko didn't have that great left hand I think Haye could have really battered him. What I mean is, if Klitschko only had one hand. #
Nah, was a good fight. Haye has definitely got balls. Just that Klitschko is like a boxing computer made out of meat. #
@RichardWiseman Joan Of Arc. #
@Interzonas Thanks. I like your avatar… it's hot! #
I think Freeway Cola is better than Pepsi and Coke. #
The balloon animal learning curve is made manageable thanks to the balloon snake. #
@rhodri That's what the weatherman in Groundhog Day kept telling himself too. #
If anyone wants a free peacock- phone this number: 01825 723 633 … Must go to good homes etcetera … #freepeacocks #
@llamasoft_ox Hey Yak! Does Minotaur Rescue still use Game Centre? I just got my highest score ever and GC won't show it Nearly 5 mil #
@llamasoft_ox Bah! Trust GC to bork just when I pull off a mad score! Oh well. Cheers for such a great game! #
Stop the #Murdoch #media takeover! Only a few days left! Send a message to Jeremy Hunt now @Avaaz Pls RT http://t.co/tgfiV2Z #NOTW #hackgate #
In an ideal world cigarettes would only cause mild staining to the fingers and the inks used in tabloid newspapers would cause insta-cancer. #
I wish @LulzSec were still operational and currently dismantling as many News Corp sites as possible. #
I've probably never mentioned it before but I've actually got reverse synesthesia. I taste flavours, hear sounds… even see colours. Crazy. #
I've had the same jeans on for four weeks now and I still haven't written a song about it. #
Be good if loads of twitterers chipped in and rented out that stupid Promoted Tweet slot and used it for #BoycottNOTW #
In 2011 with tech the way it is, difficult to imagine how it could be any easier to never buy a newspaper again and still be fine. #NOTW #
Cy Twombly was a good artist. #
@Koncher okay then #
Good riddance News Of The World. #
@AlsBoy Check out Ladonia! #
@AlsBoy http://t.co/MKfv5Gf #
@AlsBoy I'm sure. Might have to go to war to prove it though. Don't worry, The Wright Republic will stand shoulder to shoulder. #
You would never have thought it would take so many people so much effort to fold a 150 year old newspaper. #
Note to #NOTW readers: The internet is bursting at the seams with porn, wild conjecture on inane topics and adverts for shit you don't need. #
@brokentv My hat is off to you Sir! I hope many more people can make such a big small change. #
@bucktwins @spencepeterson Love it! #
@robmanuel Hit out with a tit out! #
@TwopTwips VENT YOUR ANGER at Rupert Murdoch in the safety of your own home by simply scribbling a face on your scrotum and shouting at it. #
To quote the great Richard Dawkins: "POACHED EGGG GOES IN VORTEX EVERY FOOLS KNOW THAT!" #
Wise words indeed from the father of modern gene-centric evolutionary biology. #
ΚΕΦΑΛΗΞΘ #
@alkapranos Correct sir! And it's a pun too. #
@alkapranos Ah, see it's from Breaks by old Frater Perdurabo. The name of the 69th chapter. #
@alkapranos So it doesn't mean 'head' in the traditional sense, you see. #
@alkapranos Frater Perdurabo being Aleister Crowley and Breaks being The Book Of Lies. #
@alkapranos Indeed! The Book Of Lies – Chapter 69 – Kappa-Epsilon-Phi-Alpha-Lambda-Eta Xi-Theta #
@alkapranos He's pretty good… and obviously pretty barmy. A lot of intentionally funny stuff mixed up with all the crazy. Nice stuff too. #
@alkapranos So yeah, it's Chapter 69 – The Way To Succeed And The Way To Suck Eggs! (and of course, 'succeed' being a pun on 'suck seed'). #
@alkapranos Such a wheeze, old Aleister! #
@alkapranos lol, at least it had a punch line! #
Lissin up all you Myspace and Friendster no wait Twitter and Facebook losers, I'm on Google+ now so fuck all y'all ! #
I'm so ahead of the curve, there's nobody there yet. And when there is… I'm gone. Put that in your social media pipe and smoke it. #
@Koncher Insta-deal! #
Holy fuck. The Chapman brothers' new White Cube show looks amazing. #
@ITRIED2WARNU Hey, no problem Brent Hope all the plans are going well. #
Just set up a Google+ circle called 'Everyone'. Gonna try and put everyone on it. People I don't know, don't like, never met, dead folk etc. #
@Tate No. TV is not art. End of discussion. #
@alanbenzie @Tate Apparently. *sigh* They might as well be having a big discussion about what is/n't fruit. #
@PrimordialAA GOGOGOGOGO!!! #
su'hin,su'hin,su'hin … nen ahwizlu'aat … WHIT? #
WELCOME TO YOUR NEW BILL! … thanks. does it come with a free coupon for a kick in the balls or something? because that would be great. #
Had that Travis song Flowers In The Window stuck in my head all day. But with the wrong words "Hey wow look at you now, flowers in your … #
… windpipe. It's such a lovely day…" With an accompanying image of someone choked to death on a bunch of nice flowers. #
@alkapranos Achy Breaky Brain #replaceheartwithbrain #
Wonder what's going on in outer space at the moment. #
Here's a talk I did a while ago about non-games. Look at it with your eyes. http://t.co/Gfq3Okg #pechakucha #gaming #antigames #nongames #
@pennjillette @MrTeller A short talk I gave a while ago singing the praises of your old video game Smoke & Mirrors. http://t.co/SuUrwXX #
LulzSec to the rescue! They've just hacked TheSun.co.uk @LulzSec Jolly good show! #
Has David Cameron got hair? I can never quite remember. #
I've just done an online crash course in acupuncture if anyone's interested. #
JG Ballard's 'rather drab' house of 49 years went on the market last week. Currently trying to organise a viewing if anyone's up for it. #
@Koncher Yeah! You up for it? #
@Koncher Waiting to hear back from the estate agent. #
@Koncher I know, crazy. And we were just saying how they monkey around with that so much. Still, there's a 13 Inch Pro though. #
@Koncher Here's that D&D film I was talking about. Watch it! http://t.co/V8D5hgy #
@Koncher It's Kim Newman @AnnoDracula … he rocks! Done a ton of good stuff including Warhammer novels as Jack Yeovil. #
@RichardWiseman Probably not. What a stupid question. #
@Cunthorse Been wondering the same for ages too. Since 'lion' is top of the heap really, I guess it's going to be OS XI birds of prey soon. #
@Cunthorse That would be hilarious. Or also, the insect world is pretty big… Bluebottle, Locust, Long-Nosed Weevil etc. #
I guess that's it then. The end of NASA putting people into space. Sad really. #
@Koncher That is crazy. Imagine having a game of Fantastic Counting Adventure with those sort of figures. #
I can never quite get used to the fact that after eating asparagus, your pee tastes of asparagus. #
@alanbenzie Doing a bit of a clear out this morning and just unearthed issues 3, 4 and 5 of Thee Data Base. #
@alanbenzie Heh, yeah. Looking forward to perusing them over a cup of tea. #
Flaws in casino shuffling machines make it easier to cheat http://t.co/3UrPXcS @rpaulwilson @DANIELmadison @BenEarl52 @DerrenBrown @theory11 #
Currently available for Badger smashing. (Competitive hourly rate.) #
@SimonBloor Yes! Traditional… I like it. #
"I'm not the badger hammerer, I'm the badger hammerer's son. I'm only hammering badgers 'till the badger hammerer comes." #
@rpaulwilson Ah, okay. Yeah, that isn't cheating imo. Pro card counters don't exist anymore anyway, do they? #
#FF Some interestings for your attention… @sambeaujones @SimonBloor @Koncher @JerryStillman @Cunthorse @AnnoDracula @VeryShortStory #
@MonkeyTypes For maximum effect, your initial approach should be done in the buff of course. #
I've seen things you people wouldn't believe. Like Blade Runner. The final cut is on iPlayer just now. Time to watch. http://t.co/Y1ZojQg #
@AidanJohnMoffat Like: You're not allowed to go into the garden. ? #
Sad to hear Amy Winehouse has died. #
"Her father Mitch has yet to find out about his daughter's untimely passing, as he is currently on his way to America". #
"Her father Mitch has yet to find out about his daughter's untimely passing, as he is currently on his way to America" So sad #AmyWinehouse #
@Koncher Kirby rules. #
@Koncher can you please hook me up with a job as a mystic. thx. #
If you phone 123 today you'll hear the speaking clock's 75th birthday message. Phone up and party with the time bot! #sad #telephone #idea #
@Koncher If you're not already following these guys then you should! -> @EchoBazaar http://t.co/JO95TzI #
Hello @BillGates! I bought a computer and I plugged it in and nothing happened. What should I do? Can you fix it? Thanks! #
@brokentv iTit #
@brokentv I think you're right. Good news is, there's probably an app for that. Or an ointment. #
@Koncher I think Jump Onions could be a game. #
@rhodri Happy b-day when it comes! Did you know that the main riff sampled in My Name Is by Eminem is actually played by Chas And Dave? #
@alkapranos @rhodri Well, Chas & Dave themselves lay claim to this strange circumstance: http://t.co/YjNoJ0S #
@alkapranos @rhodri I found their site and that weird bit of info, by the way, when researching what does turn out to be a C&D urban myth… #
@alkapranos @rhodri … Recent C&D Poster: "Tonight blah blah blah Chas And Dave* !!!" … (the asterisk) … *not original Dave. #
@alkapranos @rhodri Yeah. A session Dave. #
@rhodri @alkapranos Davegeddon. Could be a metal band. #
@alanbenzie Congratulations!! #
@sambeaujones @CoulisDeTomate It's used in an SDK for 2D iPhone dev that looks pretty decent imo. Great if you're no an Obj-C fiend etc #LUA #
@sambeaujones @coulisdetomate Yeah, that's the one. I think it looks good… will check out Löve too. Need to get working on my game! #
o_O woW! @LulzSec spokesperson Topiary, who's just been arrested, is from Shetland. Dunno why that's so o_O woW! …but it kinda just is. #
@sambeaujones @coulisdetomate Ahaaarr! Them were the days! Blue hair and the occasional bout of cabin fever. Though never blown ashore #
@sambeaujones lol, tru dat #
Ah, okay. iPhone texting turns 'payslips' into 'parsnips'. How clever. Obviously being a veggie, His Steveness gets paid in root vegetables. #
@lucytweet1 @caitlinmoran Well, yes. Either that or gore him to death, depending on the species (and what sort of mood they're in). #
@AidanJohnMoffat Is that deliberate self-torture so that being taken up the Trossachs seems bearable in comparison? #
@caitlinmoran Pretty much. #
I don't even believe Morrissey *is* vegan. Unless he washes his broccoli down with a few gallons of peanut oil and Mars Bars. #
@andynyman MCMcD's. #
@davidblaine Holyshit, that looks like a sweet deck. #
@MonkeyTypes HEY WAIT I HAD A QUESTION! #whothefuckdoeshethinkheis #
@rhodri http://t.co/xeV6cSw #
@betterinmyhead @isaacforman @ErikVeland That's sort of what they're in the process of doing. #
@sambeaujones @rhodri The old synchronised nose-stand… brutal and hilarious. #
@rhodri Pimpin' outta control !!! #
@AidanJohnMoffat Nae bother Aidan, we should get drunk at the same time, in the same place soon though. Saw P&T today too. Amazing! #
@Cunthorse That's a Gripnik. #
@LeighFrancis You're a day late mister! #
HELLO NEW TWITTER FOLLOWERS I HOPE YOU DON'T MIND ME DOING A BIT OF SHOUTING I SAID I HOPE YOU DON'T MIND ME DOING A BIT OF SHOUTING I SAID! #
@brokentv Oooh… Need to check the few issues of Hate I'm missing when I get home. #
@Koncher Woo! And the guy is David Braben.. always thought he was the bad guy from the Elite fall-out b/c Ian Bell's into fractals and cats. #
@foxytate Think a spammer might have hacked your account. Unless you actually are earning £1k a week and want to tell the world. #
I want to start my own pound shop. Name: ONE QUID! Strapline: Exactly how much did you expect it to fucking cost? #
@robmanuel Good idea! Get the ball rolling with some he-tweet/she-tweet retweets. Go! #
@sambeaujones Oh, I see, sorry sir, I think you might be looking for the place next door… it's down the stairs and round the corner… #
@Koncher You should check out Tiny Tower btw… it's kinda fun. #
@sambeaujones Yes, that would be Six Quid. boomboom! #
Always thought the giantest squid you could get was the Giant Squid. But no. There's a squid referred to only as the Colossal Squid. #itsbig #
@sambeaujones Only £5.99!!! (other tweet shows that I actually ended up wiki'ing squid to check they are in fact molluscs!) #edutainment !!! #
An interesting new approach to circumventing internet censorship: http://t.co/d2Vp0q9 #
Just had a fairly strange telephone conversation with a man telling me essentially that JG Ballard's house is not available for viewing. #
@Cunthorse @TummyCustard Polished but crap is worse imo. A poorly made good idea is a shame but a highly polished turd is inexcusable. #
@Koncher He had a really thick French accent and was trying to get me to look at alternatives. I said nothnx, just this one… *unavailable* #
@CoffeeHooker That is quite a portfolio of hilarious antics you have there. Good Work! #
If it was either: a) eat a rat, or: b) fight an owl, which would it be (and why)? Tell me now Twitter, I need to know. Go! #
Lightning fast reactions from @sambeujones there as he attempts to bring owls down a notch. Owl Fighters 1 – Rat Eaters 0. #
Okay, parameters are: Rat is alive and needs to be thumped before guzzling. Cooking optional. Owl is angry and ready to rumble. No weapons. #
@thetwilightsad @aidanjohnmoffat Yous better be getting dressed up! Aidan looks so good in his Catwoman outfit. #
@CoffeeHooker Have you tasted the cake yet? #
@Koncher @titangrrl @gameofthrones Not watching! Fear of spoilers. #
@Koncher Oh yeah, I forgot about the time you got buzzed by an angry owl. #
@CoffeeHooker heh! Happy Birthday! #
888 #
@rhodri Well put them both together at one end and if they match then you win, or something. Either that or line them up and topple them. #
Happy 20th Birthday to the World Wide Web today! Here's the first ever web page by @timberners_lee: http://t.co/Q61y0I7 #wwwis20 #
Quis Custodiet Ipsos Custodes? … Me! It's on Channel 4+1 right now. #
@myexpresssite No. #
This guy once bought, read, reviewed every issue of 2000AD 1-1118. How amazing is that?! TheProgSlog: http://t.co/Fu3FcXj TheGuy: @pbrainey #
Stone the fkn crows!! Someone's only gone and made a documentary about Toynbee Tiles! And it looks amaaazing!!! http://t.co/9cEVNo8 @JonDFoy #
@glasgowfilm Hullo. Please show- this: http://t.co/CbhelJ4 ..and this: http://t.co/n1ZcNUQ ..oh, and this: http://t.co/25Y9lR8 ok, thanks! x #
@glasgowfilm Missed the WSB doc… damn! Need a rescreening! Thanks for taking the suggestions. (Upcoming month looks great btw!) #
PEOPLE OF LONDON! RISE UP! AND STEAL CONSUMER GOODS! #
@heawood Maybe they're looking forward to doing a bit of looting. #
Must be a strange feeling running down a burning street, dodging cops and petrol bombs with a Playstation 3 and copy of GTA under your arm. #
Well, at least that's the The Wombles off the dole queue for a wee while. #riotcleanup #
@robmanuel Is 'water my tomato plants' a euphemism for 'piss myself with over excitement' or something? #
So David Cameron is going to put down the Chianti and Ferrero Rocher, come home and give us all a row for breaking Britain. #moonfacedcunt #
Unconfirmed reports that looters have been breaking into HMV stores and putting Coldplay albums back. #Londonriots #
Is London fixed yet? Because on Twitter there's an army of teenage Bieber fans 'praying for London' and there's no way that's not gonna work #
@rockpapershot Advanced Lawnmower Simulator. A+! #
@rhodri Also, spelled 'lose' the internet way. *sigh* #
@edinburgh_ I saw @RichardWiseman taking a shit in an alley. #
Holy shit. WARP have lost their entire back catalogue in that warehouse fire. #
@robmanuel Heard they were all attacked by wild cougars recently. #
I suppose there is an actual Riot Act. Wonder if anyone was actually read it over the last few days. #
@AidanJohnMoffat Mix it with lighter fluid, warm milk and nutmeg and you'll be away. #
@alanbenzie For real? wow. [okay wiki'ing it now] yeesh! 'An act for preventing tumults and riotous assemblies'…'battle of George Square'! #
@alanbenzie Well, according to Wiki, 1919 in Birkenhead. Earlier same year at G Square, sheriff tried to read but had sheet of paper nicked. #
Jamie Oliver 'to the rescue' crashing through the buildings like the Mr Stay Puft Marshmallow Man was definitely my personal riot highlight. #
@Koncher Sort of want to but also really want to watch Game Of Thrones :-s (((((((((…d.i.l.e.m.m.a…))))))))) #
@Koncher Mead + GOT = (.)(.) and []==[]=======> #
In a series of controversial experiments, scientists from the McGruder Institute took a number of young macaques and kicked their heads in. #
@doctorow That's been going on for a while now. Pretty sure this was just an urban myth… then people actually did it. Sad imo. #
@Cunthorse Snoop Dogg doesn't eat baked potatoes AT THE MOMENT. He ate a massive one a few years ago and is currently still digesting it. #
LMFAO at Islington Council having a policy of removing (mostly decent) graffiti and leaving piss poor 'street art' (mostly Banksy). #
@Koncher downloading now but I'll probably be too busy because I'm really taking a shot at the Minotaur Rescue hi score. #
RAINBOWS IN YOUR FACE!!!! #
@pennjillette Don't worry, the man's a fool. #
@Koncher More importantly: I'm in the top 20 for rescuing minotaurs now. Level 80, 50 mil points. #
@Koncher unpossible #
@Koncher mmmgg bleach grrrhh #
@Koncher Cleaning up the apocalypse! #
When the zombie apocalypse does come what you're going to need is a janitor. That's all I'm saying. #
"It's a bold move in the dragon's den. This 'person' is looking for one million pounds of investment to tie cats to lettuces." #dragonsden #
Weetabix and water #
@Giania Could have been worse… you could have slept tea, watched your nose and blown Batman. #
Weetabix and whisky #